Bittersweet...

It seems to be the word of the day for me.  Well, not exactly for me but for my daughter.  My mother always tells me that any pain, sadness, sorrow I feel....she feels too.  Boy oh boy do I understand that now.

Two weeks ago Gabrielle injured her knee in soccer.  It was the second game of State Cup.  Gabby and the goalie were racing towards the ball.  They arrived at the same time.  Gabby shot....the goalie blocked it and Gabby went down.  I saw the look on her face when it happened and I knew she was in pain.  However, I did not expect a ruptured ACL, torn Meniscus, torn muscle behind the knee and a sprained MCL.

See why I didn't think it was that bad?  All smiles!

The day after

Today her team has made it to the final four!  Gabby is with her teammates and friends all smiles, and I am in tears.  As I am writing this, Gabby sent me this text..."everyone on the team pitched in for a jacket, I am loved!"  Once again, I am reminded that our friends and family are amazing.  I have had friends that have stopped by just to give her a hug.  Friends stopping by to check on her and bring her flowers.  She has gotten cookies, cards, and tons of love.

Gabrielle has a long road ahead of her.  She is currently attending physical therapy three times a week.
They are preparing her knee for surgery.  The surgery will replace the ACL and fix the meniscus.  After surgery, she will have another 6 months of physical therapy.  She has continuous pain.  You wouldn't know it being around her.  She rarely complains about the pain, but I know it is there.

I know there are people dealing with far greater issues than a bum knee.  But for us right now, this is a big hurdle.  I am continuously in awe of her ability to handle the situation.  She still has her goofy sense of humor, and a positive attitude.  I am sad that she is not playing with her team today.  I am sad that she will miss her freshman year of sports.  I am sad that she is in pain and scared that she faces surgery.

I know that God has a plan for her. (a wise friend reminded me of this yesterday)  She will work hard over the next year and return stronger.  Hopefully, the next time she is chasing down the ball and sees the goalie coming......she will jump over her instead of take the shot!!!!

Best teammates ever!

 

A reminder

Life has been so busy lately I feel our family is becoming disconnected.  I hear the kids arguing more often and I am lacking patience.  Then I watch them shower their sister with homemade gifts and all the bad disappears.  I am in awe at how much love they have for one another.  We are big on homemade gifts in our house.  Andrew wrote all over a plastic storage bin filled it with candy and a book...voila the perfect birthday gift.

He wrote on every side

We created a little scrapbook for Gabby.  Each of us wrote her a message and Andrew's blew me away.  He wrote, "I think of you as a rock star a roll model and a nice sister.  I love you and I am sorry for all the times I been mean to you.  Your loveing your caring your everything a brother wants.  I love you."

Does it get any cuter?

They really spoiled their sister tonight and it makes me smile.  Sure, they drive each other insane at times, but they adore one another too.  I am one lucky mommy!!!

I am also the mother of a 14 year old daughter.  How in the world did that happen so quickly?  Boy does she make me proud.  I cannot be around the girl without smiling.  Usually cause she is doing or saying something silly.  She is who she is and will not change for anyone.  I admire that so much.  She is a pretty special girl.  Days like today remind me not to sweat the small stuff and to cherish every moment.  Happy birthday Gabrielle Renee!

Birthday girl!

  

 

That time of year....again

The other day my husband asked me to hire a cleaning lady until I take the bar exam.  Apparently, I have been a raging lunatic lately!?  What he fails to recognize, and not for lack of caring, is that my increased stress level is not because of a messy house, finals, and the July bar.  It's because of the phone calls I've ignored for over three weeks.  I finally got the courage to return the calls to my doctor and my yearly appointments are made.  When I received my breast cancer diagnosis, I visited the doctor every two weeks.  Once I finished chemo, every three months.  After two years, my appointments were six months apart.  Once you reach the five year mark, yearly appointments.  Last year I celebrated my sixth year of being cancer free! (in Vegas with my amazing sisters)

During my six year appointment, my doctor explained that triple negative breast cancer is most likely to recur within the first five years after diagnosis. (you can learn more about triple negative here)  It is very rare to find a recurrence after five years.  The next words my doctor said were,"you're cured."  If I am cured, why am I so stressed about my yearly appointments?  Because I do NOT trust cancer.  Cancer does not care about statistics.  Cancer does not care if after five years it is not supposed to return for an encore.  The disease is like a psychopath.  It lacks a conscience, manipulates you into thinking you are healthy, and ruins your life if you let your guard down.  I am just not comfortable with the words, "you're cured."

I am not sitting around waiting to get cancer again.  After my diagnosis, I worried about my disease every second of every day.  Almost seven years later, I do not worry about it at all.  I did everything I could to ensure that I would be healthy forever.  My fate is not up to me.  I have put all of my faith and trust in God.  Only He knows how I will leave this earth and when.  There is no reason to worry about a disease that could come back.  I could walk out of the house and get hit by a car.  At this point in my life, I have more of a chance of getting killed in a car accident than from a recurrence of cancer.  Still, these darn appointments increase my stress and put a pit in my stomach.  The appointments force me to think about the cancer.  I don't want to give this disease one second of my thoughts.

Nonetheless, my first appointment is tomorrow.  I can only hope that these yearly appointments eventually cause less stress, otherwise my husband may kick me to the curb once a year.  If you have a loved one that is a survivor and they get a bit crazy around the time of their appointments, now you know why.  Give them a bit more love and understanding.  

End of my rope...

As a parent, I probably reach the end of my rope once a month!  I am pretty patient with many things, but the house is definitely not one of them.  When my house is messy and cluttered, I seriously feel like I cannot breathe.  I cannot stand clutter.  I know a messy house is not something to get all worked up about.  I have a healthy family, friends, blah, blah, blah!  I have heard all of these comments from friends, my husband, my mother.  Bottom line...if my house is out of order, I feel out of order.

The problem is that my house is out of order a lot these days and it drives me insane.  To quote my eight year old son...."watch out she's gonna blow!"  I ask very little of my children.  During the weekends, they are asked to help clean.  However, school weeks they are only required to make their beds, keep their rooms clean, put sports stuff in the garage and pick up after themselves.

Does this look like my garage?

Those are CLEAN clothes on the unmade bed!

Two seconds to throw that comforter over the bed...

What you don't see is the 5 blankets and over 20 stuffed animals on his bed.

I am a broken record.  Reminding them of the small chores I expect done everyday to help me out.  Even when I remind them, they don't do it!  I have gone on strike in the past, but that doesn't solve the problem it only makes it worse.  Today I decided that I would mirror my children.  I listened to them the way they listen to me.  When Gabby asked for help with her hair this morning, I said "in a minute."  Ten minutes passed and asked again....I responded, "hang on."  By the end of the morning, it only caused frustration.  I am at the end of my rope.  I have tried chore charts, allowance, lecturing (take pride in your home...blah, blah, blah), consequences (they cannot leave until the work is done), and yelling (which never works).  I am worried that by the time I become an attorney, I will need an attorney.

I am going to re-open all of my parenting books and figure out a plan that doesn't involve a live-in cleaning lady, figuring out how "I Dream of Jeannie" did the head thing, or purchasing every wand in Harry Potter Land hoping one actually works.  Happy cleaning!  




    

My "clean" little secret

Socks without a match....

Yep, that is my basket of unmatched socks.  Oh, I am certain that many of those socks have matches, but I have yet to go through the pile.  I think of it everyday.  I put it on my "to do" list every week.  Yet, there it sits.  Multiplying.  I keep justifying it by telling myself that once all of the laundry is done I will match them.  Is all of the laundry ever done?

I am a bit of an organization freak, so I am certain that this picture will shock those that know me well.
Let me assure you, this is NOT the only unfinished project in my house.  I have a closet of pictures that I constantly tell myself that I will get to next week.  The problem is that when a project remains unfinished it tends to grow and becomes so overwhelming that I never know where to begin.  This is precisely what happened with my "drawer" of unmatched socks.  It soon became two drawers, than filled a small bin, and now has multiplied into a large bin of unmatched socks!  Why do I have so many unmatched socks?  KIDS!  I find one sock on the grass, one in the street (apparently it was being used as a free throw line), multiple socks in my car, soccer bags, under the bed, on the bed, stuffed in the cushions of my couch (my husband is guilty of this).  You get the idea.  I just need to tackle the beast and match the darn socks!  Definitely on my "to do" list this week.  I will offer proof by the end of the week:)  

Second guessing...

I had a parenting moment today that I am already second guessing.  I have a teen in the house.  I can almost hear all of the mom's saying, "oh, you poor thing!"  I actually love having a teenager.  She is quick witted, sometimes too quick.  She is hilarious and very helpful around the house.  (who cares if I have to ask four times)  I thought we were over the hurdle of the disrespect and rudeness, but lately it is back.  I took a stand today and now I am wondering if it was too much.

Yesterday after school she played basketball, piano, her phone....anything and everything besides homework.  The plan was to do homework after soccer practice.  Unfortunately, after soccer practice she had a terrible migraine, came home and went to sleep.  She woke up at 8:30 p.m. still was not feeling well and went back to bed.  We told her to set her alarm for 5:00 a.m. to complete her homework.  I did not wake up with her.  I did not set an alarm.  She is almost 14 and I felt it is her responsibility.  At 7:10 a.m., I went into her room and reminded her we needed to leave at 7:30.  At this point, she showered.  Yep, a teenage girl leaving herself 20 minutes to get ready.  I am certain you know how the rest of the morning proceeded.

Snotty attitude because I told her to get ready too late.  Snotty attitude because she did not finish all of her homework and this was my fault?  It continued into the car and in front of the car pool kids.  On our way to school, she realized she forgot something at home.  We were only down the block, but if I went back for her the other kids would also be late for school.  If she went to school without the item, she would get penalized.

I chose not to take her back home.  I could not go out of my way for her after the attitude I received all morning.  She insisted that we go back to get her assignment and that I drive her to school late when I take the other kids.  (I am using "insisted" loosely)  Unlucky for her, I also car pool for the elementary school kids and my car is full.  I refused to allow her to double buckle.  I gave her the option of walking or waiting until I drop them off and come back to get her.  She chose to wait and subsequently missed her Spanish class.

I am not sure if this was the right choice.  The migraine was not her fault.  She probably had more of an attitude due to the migraine and stress of not doing her homework.  She missed a class.  However, she was so rude this morning and I just needed her to know I will not accept that behavior.  When I dropped her off at school, she thanked me for driving her.  She apologized and gave me the biggest hug and told me she loved me.  I know that attitude and irrational behavior is inevitable for teenagers.  I just want to see less of the bad stuff and more of the awesome teenager that I love and enjoy!!  

      

Strong women

Hopefully the title of this blog immediately brought someone to your mind.  A grandmother, mother, sister, friend, aunt, daughter?  I have known many strong women in my life and they have all influenced me to some degree.  However, there are two women that I could only hope to mirror, Aunt Alice and my mother.

 Aunt Alice is not actually my aunt, and I never met her.  The fact that I am grouping her with my own mother should give you a hint of how amazing Aunt Alice was.  (I know that sentence is not grammatically correct)  Aunt Alice lost her battle to breast cancer in December.  She battled this disease for years.  

It began as breast cancer, but through the years it spread.  It spread everywhere.  The cancer went to her bones, her ovaries, her brain.  No organ was safe from the monster.  Chemotherapy became a daily occurrence in Alice's life.  Yes, a daily occurrence.  Alice never gave up.  I quit chemo after my fourth round.  Yep, I told my husband that I was not going back and no one could make me.  (He called my mother and I went to round five and six)  Alice's chemo didn't end at round six.  Alice's fight consumed her life, but she still lived.  Alice lived with grace, dignity, and love.  The people in her life will never forget her.  Aunt Alice is synonymous with the word strong.  I often borrowed her strength throughout my journey.  Even though she is not physically here today; her strength and spirit will be with me forever.  Happy birthday Aunt Alice!  

My mother will be celebrating a major milestone next month.  She will be thirty years cancer free!  It is difficult to write about a wonderful woman who lost her battle than celebrate someone who won.  This unfairness adds to my hatred for this disease.  My mother received her cancer diagnosis at the ripe old age of 32.  Not only did she face a cancer diagnosis, but her father lost his battle with cancer at the exact same time.  My mother buried her father and two days later began her own.  I never knew about my mother's cancer, because my mother and grandmother hid it from me.  I remember her being in the hospital, but nothing else about the cancer.  Right after my grandfather passed away, my step-father left.  As I got older, I learned that he left because he could not handle her diagnosis.  Coward!  My mother protected me at a time when her life was in complete disarray.  The cancer returned in her other breast six months later.  At this point, my mother got rid of the darn things.  My mother refused chemotherapy and radiation.  She saw the effects of chemo on her father and simply refused.  My mother lost her father, her husband and kicked cancer's butt all in the same year.  She is amazing!  

I cannot reconcile why one is not with us today.  It is not fair.  I have learned that not much about cancer is fair.  I do know that both my mother and Aunt Alice are cancer free today and in that I can rejoice!