I love my husband and I know that he means well, but something he said to me about six weeks ago sent me into panic mode. One day we were talking and he said, "Your mood sets the tone for the family."
I know this is probably true for most families. Mom keeps things together. However, I had been feeling unsettled for awhile at that time and his comment just sent me over the edge. I felt this immense pressure all of a sudden. I could not figure out what was wrong with me. One day I went for a drive to get some time alone. I found myself at Staples buying a notebook. I sat in my car and began to write. Before I knew it, emotions were pouring out of me that I did not know existed. I immediately felt better.
The following is my out pouring of emotion. I am sharing because if I could help one person feel that they are not alone...I have succeeded. I apologize if it does not completely make sense..but this is it unedited!
It is almost eight years after my diagnosis. Three years ago my doctor actually used the words, "you are cured." How does a doctor even say those words? I know cancer is sneaky and can rear its ugly head at anytime. I can never let my guard down. I don't want to live with my guard always up though. I should feel elated with each passing year, but I don't. Lately I find myself sad and feeling alone. I feel like I am the only person who remembers my breast cancer-and I remember it everyday.
I feel like I am the only one who breaks a little inside when another woman loses their battle with breast cancer or any cancer. I feel like I am the only one who remembers that I am mutilated. I feel like I am the only one that remembers filling my body with poison. I am the only one who wonders if the numbness in my feet, the tennis elbow that creeps up, my knees that are sore all the time, the shortness of breath is age or the poison?
Then I snap myself out of it...whatever "it" is and I am thankful that I am here and can complain about the stupid possible remnants of chemo. I struggle between these two extremes. Is this life after breast cancer?
I expected myself to simply move forward. It seems my loved ones have been able to do that. I feel like a freak verbalizing my pains and fears. I feel weak if I am honest and admit that after eight years I am still terrified of this disease. I feel that no one will truly understand. Why should I not be over this? These feelings cause guilt. I have no reason to be sad because I survived. I am healthy. I have an amazing life.
I fear that I am wasting days feeling this way thinking about the beast. I only want to look forward, but how do I only look forward? Is it normal to think about the breast cancer and want someone else to acknowledge it once in awhile?
I feel like the breast cancer is the mole in that carnival game- memories keep popping up and I continuously have to whack them away. I also fear that I am not doing enough to ensure my children's future. I promised myself I would stay involved in the fight and I have not. Lately I look at my children and want to scream. They could have the gene. Their future could be sealed and what am I doing? I am worrying about me.
I should be more concerned about their futures than my past. Then I look at my boy. We have choices for my girls if they carry the gene. They can be proactive and fight. For my son, I am defenseless. It seems that new cancers are popping up every year associated with the gene. I may have given my children cancer. That is my legacy?
I think I viewed cancer like childbirth. It really hurts to have a child. Sometimes the pain is immense. However, by the time your child is 2 you are ready for another and that pain disappears. Breast cancer is definitely not the same. I wanted the pain and the journey to disappear, but it won't. It is a part of me.
That is what I wrote in the parking lot of Staples. It was dark out, so I had inside lights on and I was crying the entire time. I am certain people steered clear of my car! This was about six weeks ago. I still have these feelings and worries. However, writing them down helped so much. I am not afraid of them anymore. I cannot push aside everything that happened to me as if it never occurred. It is a part of me!
