To my sisters

I am now the parent of three kids in double digits!  This is the first birthday to make me sad.  I am not sure if it is because my youngest turned 10, or if I am missing the days of raising little kids. I have various sisters who are in the baby/toddler stage.  I remember those days fondly.  It is difficult to have a conversation with anyone because you are constantly interrupted or you must save your child from danger every three to five minutes.  Sleep is a rarity during that time.  It is difficult to ever sit down because your toddler is everywhere and the baby always needs something.  My sisters enjoy and love this time, but long for the days when it is less chaotic.  I don't have the heart to tell them those days are not coming anytime soon.  I have a 15, 13 and 10 year old, and my life still resembles their chaotic lives.  Here are a few things that don't change and a few added bonuses of older children.  

1.  The mess.

Here is a typical scenario in our family:  Kid A walks in from school.  Backpack deposited at the front door, one shoe flung off foot landing somewhere by the front door the other taken off as they make their way to the kitchen for a snack.  The empty baskets by the front door are apparently just used for decoration.  Kid A continues the path of destruction into the kitchen where a snack is made.  The child continues upstairs with the snack.  The kitchen is left with three cabinets open and whatever crumbs from snack left behind.  Once upstairs, Kid A's feet become so hot the socks must be taken off immediately.  This usually means a sock is stuffed in the couch cushions or thrown somewhere in the bonus room.  (this is also the case with Husband) The snack is left behind in the bonus room as Kid A begins homework.  Lunch box is thrown wherever homework begins.  It does not make its way to the kitchen until the next morning when lunch is being made.  Homework papers and books are left wherever homework is completed.  Now it is time for practice.  Kid A sheds clothes and they wind up on a floor somewhere.  The laundry baskets are left empty dreaming of the day they get filled.  Kid A returns from soccer practice and the routine continues.  Backpack, cleats, shin guards deposited by the front door or somewhere in the house.  The shelf for sports gear in the garage left empty.  This causes a panic before the next practice when equipment cannot be found.  I could go on and on about wet towels on the bed, floor, chair, but you get the picture.  The mess your young children make only grows as they grow.  It is unable to be contained.  It spreads like a virus throughout your house.  You have been warned.    

2. Sleep

The lack of sleep you experience with a newborn does end as your kids get older.  However, the set bedtimes you enjoy become a thing of the past.  My oldest is up hours past me these days.  The alone time you crave at the end of the day is gone.  They are up with you watching your shows.  If you think you will never have a kid in your room at night, you are nuts.  One medium sized earthquake and you find your bed becomes a can of sardines.  Kid A is so freaked by the earthquake that your floor becomes her resting place for weeks to come.  Kids find out a home is broken into near them and again your bedroom becomes Motel 6.  Set bedtimes are a treasure that disappear when your kids get older.  Savor those times.  Waiting up for your children to come home at night is the new norm.  It is often long after my 9:30 or 10:00 pm bedtime.  I fear this waiting is going to continue for quite sometime and only get worse when I have a child that drives. Enjoy the set bedtimes and be strict with them.  This is your only alone time and it also disappears.    

3.  Conversations

Here is the scenario when speaking to a parent of young children:  You will not believe who I saw the other day. You are gonna die when you hear this...hold on....(insert child's name:  stop hitting your sister)  Okay so, the other day I was on the way to work at a stop light and a car pulled up next to me...hold on (same child: I am not going to tell you again stop hitting your sister)  Sorry, when I am on the phone they want attention.  Where was I? ....hold on (same child:  get off the coffee table)  I am gonna have to call you back later.  Bye.   You are left wondering who they saw.  George Clooney?  A past love? A person we know picking their nose?  The next time you talk they completely forget and you never learn about the mystery person.  I am sorry to tell you this never changes.  Sure, when your kids are off at school you can have conversations, but when they are home it is the same.  They received a text from a friend and need to know right that second if they can make plans.  They are searching for the sports gear that is not on the shelf in the garage.  They may be hitting their sister too.  Sorry sis, this does not change.      

4.  Laundry

All I am going to tell you about laundry is to beware.  It has reproductive powers and it eats its young resulting in mismatched socks.   

5.  Empty pockets

Empty pockets because children are money sucking mongers.  ( I say that lovingly)  Haircuts are no longer done at Rainbow Kids for $15.  They actually care about what they wear.  Except for my son.  He is happy in athletic shorts and a mismatched shirt.  Their clothes are more expensive.  They accessorize.  They need more than one pair of shoes.  They are always asking for money to go somewhere.  They have phones that cost money.  They drop these phones off of roller coasters resulting in the purchase of a new phone.  They sometimes get major injuries resulting in many medical bills.  They eat more than toddlers.  Grocery bills multiply.  The amount of mouths to feed multiply because there are always friends around that eat too.  Then you think about college in a few years and that is when you have a heart attack resulting in your own medical bills and the cycle continues.  Save money for the future.  It may seem impossible, but you will not have more money as your children get older it continues to disappear.    

6..  Keeping kids out of danger

You can child-proof your house to keep your kids safe.  Unfortunately, you cannot child-proof outside of your home.  As they get older, they are not within the safety of your home.  They are gone more than they are home.  It is scary.  Throw in the world of social media and the danger intensifies.  You will constantly struggle with keeping them safe.  Enjoy that you have your eye on them almost all of the time.  You catch them before they fall into the coffee table, or fall off the stool.  You can follow them around the park to make sure they are safe.  When they are older, they are on their own.  They must make the choices to keep themselves safe.  This is the most difficult part of having older children.  I need to be confident that the job I did when they were young will lead to them making smart choices.  This scares me because the dangers have changed and grow as they grow.   

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news.  Many of your struggles do not disappear as your children get older.  However, there is a lot you will gain.  Hang in there. 

Yin and Yang

Every year on this day I am flooded with memories.  Surprisingly, not all of them are horrible.  I remember returning to my hospital room after my first surgery.  My sister taped pictures of George Clooney all over the room.  ( I am a tad bit obsessed with him)  It made my hospital room way more appealing.  My first visitors were my dear friends, Deb and Kristen, I remember them making me laugh so hard it hurt.  It really hurt.  I cannot recall what they were saying, but anyone who knows them can definitely vouch for them always making you laugh.  My friends from Maryland sent food to the waiting room for my husband and family.  Yep, from hundreds of miles away they sent food.  My brother calmed my mother's nerves by joining her for periodic breaks from the waiting room.  I am sure he never knew what his kindness meant to her and to me.  At one point after surgery, I had so many family members in my hospital room the nurse threatened to kick people out.

It was a tough week for our family.  A mere 6 days earlier we were in a waiting room at a different hospital while my father had brain surgery.  Yes, you read that correctly.  A few days after my diagnosis, my father came over.  He walked into the house with his arms full of groceries.  This is my dad.  He is always thinking of someone else and he is always helping.  He set the groceries down and we started to talk about my upcoming surgery.  Then he calmly explained that the tumor that had been in his brain for years grew.  His doctors wanted to remove it right away.  In hindsight, we should have booked the same operating room and asked for a discount!!  He was very calm about his upcoming surgery.  What upset him the most was that he could not be there for me.  My husband promised him  that he would let him know that I was okay after my surgery.  He kept that promise.  After sitting in a waiting room for 7 hours then running home to check on the kids, he drove to the city to see my dad and tell him I was okay.  My dad had some complications from his surgery, but swears that he remembers David speaking to him that night.  

Our family endured two cancer diagnoses within three weeks of each other and two major surgeries within a week.  Yet so many of my memories are happy.  Cancer sucks.  There is no denying that.  But the people in my life made it bearable.  They made me happy.  During a time in my life where so much was wrong, I was happy.  How could I not be happy with a room full of visitors?  How could I not be happy when everyday I opened the mailbox I found a card or a letter?

When I think about my journey with breast cancer, I think of the Yin and the Yang.   Yin & Yang:  Opposite or contrary forces that are actually complementary or interconnected.  

I have these horrible memories, but I have so many wonderful memories too.  Without all of these happy memories, I would not be here today.  I am convinced of that.  They gave me strength when I had none left. On a day like today, the memories that enter my mind are all the good ones.  The memories of the people in my life that were there for me every step of the way.  For that and for so much more, I am grateful!