The Big Bang Theory

Rylee is learning about the Big Bang Theory in Science.  She is truly bothered by the fact that she has to learn this "theory."   Furthermore, she is convinced her teacher is Catholic (because the teacher's daughter was an Us In The Son counselor) and she must not buy into the theory either but be required to teach it.   

Well, for the sake of Rylee's GPA I truly hope she is correct.  When filling out her homework packet on the Theory, my daughter wrote answers like the following:

1.  What are some other hypothetical theories about the creation of the universe?  Answer:  THE BIG BANG THEORY. 

2.  Who is responsible for the creation of the Big Bang Theory?  Answer:  GOD.  

3.  The universe was created by the Big Bang Theory and it grew......?  (BY GOD)   She did not even give that question a chance.  

I found all of this very amusing.  But more importantly, it made me smile.  The faith that I hold dear is being passed along to my child.  During this time of year, that is the best gift I could receive.    

I am not certain what her grade will be on this packet, but Rylee feels vindicated.  On Friday, her teacher talked with her after class and said, "I know God's real but we are discovering how he made the earth." 

 

      

To my sisters

I am now the parent of three kids in double digits!  This is the first birthday to make me sad.  I am not sure if it is because my youngest turned 10, or if I am missing the days of raising little kids. I have various sisters who are in the baby/toddler stage.  I remember those days fondly.  It is difficult to have a conversation with anyone because you are constantly interrupted or you must save your child from danger every three to five minutes.  Sleep is a rarity during that time.  It is difficult to ever sit down because your toddler is everywhere and the baby always needs something.  My sisters enjoy and love this time, but long for the days when it is less chaotic.  I don't have the heart to tell them those days are not coming anytime soon.  I have a 15, 13 and 10 year old, and my life still resembles their chaotic lives.  Here are a few things that don't change and a few added bonuses of older children.  

1.  The mess.

Here is a typical scenario in our family:  Kid A walks in from school.  Backpack deposited at the front door, one shoe flung off foot landing somewhere by the front door the other taken off as they make their way to the kitchen for a snack.  The empty baskets by the front door are apparently just used for decoration.  Kid A continues the path of destruction into the kitchen where a snack is made.  The child continues upstairs with the snack.  The kitchen is left with three cabinets open and whatever crumbs from snack left behind.  Once upstairs, Kid A's feet become so hot the socks must be taken off immediately.  This usually means a sock is stuffed in the couch cushions or thrown somewhere in the bonus room.  (this is also the case with Husband) The snack is left behind in the bonus room as Kid A begins homework.  Lunch box is thrown wherever homework begins.  It does not make its way to the kitchen until the next morning when lunch is being made.  Homework papers and books are left wherever homework is completed.  Now it is time for practice.  Kid A sheds clothes and they wind up on a floor somewhere.  The laundry baskets are left empty dreaming of the day they get filled.  Kid A returns from soccer practice and the routine continues.  Backpack, cleats, shin guards deposited by the front door or somewhere in the house.  The shelf for sports gear in the garage left empty.  This causes a panic before the next practice when equipment cannot be found.  I could go on and on about wet towels on the bed, floor, chair, but you get the picture.  The mess your young children make only grows as they grow.  It is unable to be contained.  It spreads like a virus throughout your house.  You have been warned.    

2. Sleep

The lack of sleep you experience with a newborn does end as your kids get older.  However, the set bedtimes you enjoy become a thing of the past.  My oldest is up hours past me these days.  The alone time you crave at the end of the day is gone.  They are up with you watching your shows.  If you think you will never have a kid in your room at night, you are nuts.  One medium sized earthquake and you find your bed becomes a can of sardines.  Kid A is so freaked by the earthquake that your floor becomes her resting place for weeks to come.  Kids find out a home is broken into near them and again your bedroom becomes Motel 6.  Set bedtimes are a treasure that disappear when your kids get older.  Savor those times.  Waiting up for your children to come home at night is the new norm.  It is often long after my 9:30 or 10:00 pm bedtime.  I fear this waiting is going to continue for quite sometime and only get worse when I have a child that drives. Enjoy the set bedtimes and be strict with them.  This is your only alone time and it also disappears.    

3.  Conversations

Here is the scenario when speaking to a parent of young children:  You will not believe who I saw the other day. You are gonna die when you hear this...hold on....(insert child's name:  stop hitting your sister)  Okay so, the other day I was on the way to work at a stop light and a car pulled up next to me...hold on (same child: I am not going to tell you again stop hitting your sister)  Sorry, when I am on the phone they want attention.  Where was I? ....hold on (same child:  get off the coffee table)  I am gonna have to call you back later.  Bye.   You are left wondering who they saw.  George Clooney?  A past love? A person we know picking their nose?  The next time you talk they completely forget and you never learn about the mystery person.  I am sorry to tell you this never changes.  Sure, when your kids are off at school you can have conversations, but when they are home it is the same.  They received a text from a friend and need to know right that second if they can make plans.  They are searching for the sports gear that is not on the shelf in the garage.  They may be hitting their sister too.  Sorry sis, this does not change.      

4.  Laundry

All I am going to tell you about laundry is to beware.  It has reproductive powers and it eats its young resulting in mismatched socks.   

5.  Empty pockets

Empty pockets because children are money sucking mongers.  ( I say that lovingly)  Haircuts are no longer done at Rainbow Kids for $15.  They actually care about what they wear.  Except for my son.  He is happy in athletic shorts and a mismatched shirt.  Their clothes are more expensive.  They accessorize.  They need more than one pair of shoes.  They are always asking for money to go somewhere.  They have phones that cost money.  They drop these phones off of roller coasters resulting in the purchase of a new phone.  They sometimes get major injuries resulting in many medical bills.  They eat more than toddlers.  Grocery bills multiply.  The amount of mouths to feed multiply because there are always friends around that eat too.  Then you think about college in a few years and that is when you have a heart attack resulting in your own medical bills and the cycle continues.  Save money for the future.  It may seem impossible, but you will not have more money as your children get older it continues to disappear.    

6..  Keeping kids out of danger

You can child-proof your house to keep your kids safe.  Unfortunately, you cannot child-proof outside of your home.  As they get older, they are not within the safety of your home.  They are gone more than they are home.  It is scary.  Throw in the world of social media and the danger intensifies.  You will constantly struggle with keeping them safe.  Enjoy that you have your eye on them almost all of the time.  You catch them before they fall into the coffee table, or fall off the stool.  You can follow them around the park to make sure they are safe.  When they are older, they are on their own.  They must make the choices to keep themselves safe.  This is the most difficult part of having older children.  I need to be confident that the job I did when they were young will lead to them making smart choices.  This scares me because the dangers have changed and grow as they grow.   

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news.  Many of your struggles do not disappear as your children get older.  However, there is a lot you will gain.  Hang in there. 

Yin and Yang

Every year on this day I am flooded with memories.  Surprisingly, not all of them are horrible.  I remember returning to my hospital room after my first surgery.  My sister taped pictures of George Clooney all over the room.  ( I am a tad bit obsessed with him)  It made my hospital room way more appealing.  My first visitors were my dear friends, Deb and Kristen, I remember them making me laugh so hard it hurt.  It really hurt.  I cannot recall what they were saying, but anyone who knows them can definitely vouch for them always making you laugh.  My friends from Maryland sent food to the waiting room for my husband and family.  Yep, from hundreds of miles away they sent food.  My brother calmed my mother's nerves by joining her for periodic breaks from the waiting room.  I am sure he never knew what his kindness meant to her and to me.  At one point after surgery, I had so many family members in my hospital room the nurse threatened to kick people out.

It was a tough week for our family.  A mere 6 days earlier we were in a waiting room at a different hospital while my father had brain surgery.  Yes, you read that correctly.  A few days after my diagnosis, my father came over.  He walked into the house with his arms full of groceries.  This is my dad.  He is always thinking of someone else and he is always helping.  He set the groceries down and we started to talk about my upcoming surgery.  Then he calmly explained that the tumor that had been in his brain for years grew.  His doctors wanted to remove it right away.  In hindsight, we should have booked the same operating room and asked for a discount!!  He was very calm about his upcoming surgery.  What upset him the most was that he could not be there for me.  My husband promised him  that he would let him know that I was okay after my surgery.  He kept that promise.  After sitting in a waiting room for 7 hours then running home to check on the kids, he drove to the city to see my dad and tell him I was okay.  My dad had some complications from his surgery, but swears that he remembers David speaking to him that night.  

Our family endured two cancer diagnoses within three weeks of each other and two major surgeries within a week.  Yet so many of my memories are happy.  Cancer sucks.  There is no denying that.  But the people in my life made it bearable.  They made me happy.  During a time in my life where so much was wrong, I was happy.  How could I not be happy with a room full of visitors?  How could I not be happy when everyday I opened the mailbox I found a card or a letter?

When I think about my journey with breast cancer, I think of the Yin and the Yang.   Yin & Yang:  Opposite or contrary forces that are actually complementary or interconnected.  

I have these horrible memories, but I have so many wonderful memories too.  Without all of these happy memories, I would not be here today.  I am convinced of that.  They gave me strength when I had none left. On a day like today, the memories that enter my mind are all the good ones.  The memories of the people in my life that were there for me every step of the way.  For that and for so much more, I am grateful!        

Perspective

I am in a parenting funk!   I am easily set off by every argument between the kids, every sock found stuffed in the couch, and every request for "only $5." 

I think back to when the kids were little. They cleaned up their toys at the end of every day.  I even sang the Barney "Clean Up" song while they were diligently putting their toys away.  The kids were appalled if they heard the words "shut up" or "stupid" cause those were bad words.  The only rooms that got messy on a daily basis were the playroom and the kitchen.  The schedule was mine to control.  If we wanted a day in our pajamas, we got it.  Bedtimes were set and stayed the same all week long!     

Today I am living in complete chaos.  I have a thirteen year old daughter that has lost a pair of shoes.  The explanation she gave, "maybe I left them somewhere?"  I replied, "did you ever come home in bare feet and not notice?"  I recently purchased two new lunch bags and water bottles.  We currently have one of each in our possession.  I cannot go more than 5 hours without hearing the following, "mom, do you know where my (insert any item) is?"  "Mom, what time is my practice?"  "Mom, did you finish my laundry yet?"  (my two girls do their own laundry, so this question drives me insane)

When my children were young, I embraced all of these tasks.  They depended on me for everything because they were little and still learning.  My memories of their childhood include teaching them responsibility.  I attempted to raise responsible children that would one day become self-sufficient.  Someone PLEASE tell me when that day will come???? 

I am so far from that point right now.  My 15 year old came downstairs today and threw some food away from her backpack.  A moldy drink and an unidentified smelly food item.  It is Tuesday.  The drink and unidentified food is from Thursday (Friday she forgot to make her lunch) and it has been in her room the entire weekend.  I do not make my children's lunches.  (teaching responsibility)  However, I am fairly certain I have now identified the foul odor in her room. 

The bickering.  I do not think my children can look at one another right now without bickering.  It is like nails on a chalkboard for me.  I try to ignore it, but it keeps going.  I hear phrases like "I hate you" thrown at each other.  That was a definite no-no when they were young.  There is even physical fighting at times.  I did not grow up living with siblings.  It was just me.  I fear this is why I do not have any patience for the bickering, because I simply don't understand why it must occur every single day!!!  

Today our schedule consumes us.  The end of the school year is very demanding and busy.  I am hoping that is the reason for the funk.  I am hoping that summer will relax everyone and life will return to organized chaos.  These kids are driving me nutty lately, but yesterday I saw in my children what I love most.

We spent the day at the beach yesterday.  When we arrived, a boy approached us asking if we needed help setting up.  We declined the help, but he still came over to talk to us.  He was probably 22, but with a mental capacity far lower.  My children did not try to send him away.  My son went to the playground with him for about an hour talking and swinging with him.  My girls chatted about school and life with him.  He returned throughout the day to chat with us.  As he left, he told them they were all friends for life and they followed one another on Instagram.  (I guess that is like exchanging numbers from my time) 

It gave me hope that I did something right.  They may be slobs and argue a lot, but they treat others with respect.  He told us about his high school experience and bullying.  My kids made him feel good about himself.  They made me proud.  The things that matter most (how you treat others) they get. 

Yesterday gave me a new perspective.  I need to focus on the good in them, because that definitely outweighs the bad!  I am off to clean up this pigsty and locate some lost shoes.......





















             

Unspoken words

I love my husband and I know that he means well, but something he said to me about six weeks ago sent me into panic mode.  One day we were talking and he said, "Your mood sets the tone for the family."  

I know this is probably true for most families.  Mom keeps things together.  However, I had been feeling unsettled for awhile at that time and his comment just sent me over the edge.  I felt this immense pressure all of a sudden.  I could not figure out what was wrong with me.  One day I went for a drive to get some time alone.  I found myself at Staples buying a notebook.  I sat in my car and began to write.  Before I knew it, emotions were pouring out of me that I did  not know existed.  I immediately felt better.

The following is my out pouring of emotion.  I am sharing because if I could help one person feel that they are not alone...I have succeeded.  I apologize if it does not completely make sense..but this is it unedited!

It is almost eight years after my diagnosis.  Three years ago my doctor actually used the words, "you are cured."  How does a doctor even say those words?  I know cancer is sneaky and can rear its ugly head at anytime.  I can never let my guard down.  I don't want to live with my guard always up though.  I should feel elated with each passing year, but I don't.  Lately I find myself sad and feeling alone.  I feel like I am the only person who remembers my breast cancer-and I remember it everyday.

I feel like I am the only one who breaks a little inside when another woman loses their battle with breast cancer or any cancer.  I feel like I am the only one who remembers that I am mutilated.  I feel like I am the only one that remembers filling my body with poison.  I am the only one who wonders if the numbness in my feet, the tennis elbow that creeps up, my knees that are sore all the time, the shortness of breath is age or the poison?

Then I snap myself out of it...whatever "it" is and I am thankful that I am here and can complain about the stupid possible remnants of chemo.  I struggle between these two extremes.  Is this life after breast cancer?

I expected myself to simply move forward.  It seems my loved ones have been able to do that.  I feel like a freak verbalizing my pains and fears.  I feel weak if I am honest and admit that after eight years I am still terrified of this disease.  I feel that no one will truly understand.  Why should I not be over this?  These feelings cause guilt.  I have no reason to be sad because I survived.  I am healthy.  I have an amazing life.

I fear that I am wasting days feeling this way thinking about the beast.  I only want to look forward, but how do I only look forward?  Is it normal to think about the breast cancer and want someone else to acknowledge it once in awhile?

I feel like the breast cancer is the mole in that carnival game- memories keep popping up and I continuously have to whack them away.  I also fear that I am not doing enough to ensure my children's future.  I promised myself I would stay involved in the fight and I have not.  Lately I look at my children and want to scream. They could have the gene.  Their future could be sealed and what am I doing?  I am worrying about me.
I should be more concerned about their futures than my past.  Then I look at my boy.  We have choices for my girls if they carry the gene.  They can be proactive and fight.  For my son, I am defenseless.  It seems that new cancers are popping up every year associated with the gene.  I may have given my children cancer. That is my legacy?

I think I viewed cancer like childbirth.  It really hurts to have a child.  Sometimes the pain is immense. However, by the time your child is 2 you are ready for another and that pain disappears.  Breast cancer is definitely not the same.  I wanted the pain and the journey to disappear, but it won't.  It is a part of me.

That is what I wrote in the parking lot of Staples.  It was dark out, so I had inside lights on and I was crying the entire time.  I am certain people steered clear of my car!  This was about six weeks ago.  I still have these feelings and worries.  However, writing them down helped so much.  I am not afraid of them anymore. I cannot push aside everything that happened to me as if it never occurred.  It is a part of me!

One word

I am a little sad to see 2013 go.  I had a great year!  I graduated law school thus fulfilling a lifelong dream, and I passed the California State Bar exam.  I do not think 2014 can top that!  However, I am excited to see what the new year brings.  Wait, it already brought me the cutest baby girl ever.  My niece, Julianna Aurelia, was born January 2nd.  Isn't she the cutest?  I know she looks sad here, but I am in love with this picture!  It is impossible to look at and not say, "awwww!"     

Don't you just want to hug her?  

 

I've been reading many blogs lately, and noticed people are choosing one word for the new year.  The idea is that you choose one word to guide you throughout the year.  At first I thought this was impossible.  How can one word fit into all aspects of your life?  After much thought, I am jumping in with both feet.  I am choosing one word instead of making resolutions this year. This one word will be my guide in all areas of my life.  I expected it to be difficult to find a word that would resonate with me, but I was wrong.  I knew it right away!

Present

Present. That is my one word for the year!  No, not a Christmas present or a birthday present.  Present.  Available.  Aware.  Right now.  Not stuck behind a computer screen or a phone.  Not running to get one more load of laundry done instead of playing PIG with my son.  Not trying to check Facebook one more time instead of having a conversation with my teen daughter.  How much have I missed because of my computer screen?  How much have I missed because I needed to run one more errand, or clean one more room?  Even when I am physically present, where is my mind racing off too?  Sure I attend mass, but how often does my mind wander? What should I make for dinner?  I cannot believe she wore that to church?  I exercise, but how many times have I made a phone call during a walk?  Cut my workout in half because of the laundry piling up?  Multi-tasking is a curse!  I cannot tell you how many times my mother has said to me, "what else are you doing right now?"  

I am going to be present!  I do not want to look back and realize I missed out on something special because of an electronic device.  I don't want to look back and realize I was not really present during my life.  This is it.  We only have one shot. 

 I am going to ensure that I am present during my interactions with my friends and family.  I am going to make sure that I am present for my husband and children.  I am going to be present spiritually when I attend mass and when I pray.  I am going to be healthy and exercise presently!  (I can tweak it a bit..it is MY word)  I am not going to put off exercising or making healthy choices because of inconvenience or other excuses.  Hopefully, being present will make 2014 as great as 2013!!  Oh one more, I am going to be PRESENT in Chicago in March to meet my new niece....and I cannot wait!    

  

Life is precious

I recently began driving two adorable little girls to school because their mother can no longer drive them. Their mother has been battling breast cancer for seven years.  Because the cancer spread to her bones, she receives chemo every three weeks and is on a constant drip of morphine for the pain.  She is a daily reminder of what could be.  

During the first few weeks, I was drawn to her.  I wanted to hear her story.  I sought to compare her story to mine.  How is it that I am cancer free and she is battling for her life?  I searched for reassurance.  How is my story different?  I looked for that one fact that gave me assurance that I will stay cancer free.  It was selfish of me.  After a few weeks, my feelings changed again.  I felt that I was a constant reminder of what she was not.  I started feeling guilty that I am healthy and enjoying my life while she is fighting for hers. These thoughts consume me.     

Friday I discovered that her doctors have stopped all treatment.  Hospice is arriving on Monday.  They are telling the girls and oldest son this weekend.  I know many people who have lost their battle to cancer.  This seems different.  I am completely heart broken.  I don't understand how doctor's just quit fighting.  I cannot imagine the pain my friend is feeling.  How do you look at your children and tell them you are going to die?  How will I drive these girls to school as if it is a normal Monday morning?  I want them to stay by their mother and soak up every amount of love she has to offer.  I want them to stay by her side and hear all the words of wisdom she won't be able to give them for years to come.  

This is the reality of cancer.  One mother survives, another may not.  My life is not more valuable than hers.  I cannot compare our stories because there is no logical explanation.  Cancer sucks and it is unfair.  My thoughts are the aftermath of a cancer diagnosis.  You constantly battle the enemy, even if it is not longer present in your body.  Situations like this remind me that life is indeed precious.   

Life is so precious
And each day a gift
So enjoy every minute
As it were your last

Cherish your loved ones
Hug them tight
Share with them your heart
And your time

Nothing is forever
And life goes so fast
Each minute that passes
Is one you can’t get back

When troubles arrive
And knock you off your feet
Stand up and smile
And remember life is too sweet

Every morning when you wake,
Decide right from the start,
That “Today will be a good day”
And let it all in with an open heart

Live Sincerely every day!!!!  

October Awareness

October is here.  The month is not about a pink ribbon.  It is about awareness.  I want to make you aware of those women with advanced breast cancer.  I want to make you aware of the emotional struggles these women face.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006.  At that time, one round of chemo cost $26,000.
I had insurance and was only responsible for 20% of that amount. (that last sentence is oozing with sarcasm)  Luckily, by the third round of chemo, I reached my out of pocket maximum and had 100% coverage. (again complete sarcasm)  My medical bills continued into 2007 allowing me to reach my out of pocket maximum for two consecutive years.

My battle ended.  Women with metastatic breast cancer keep fighting.  They must fight continuously to stay alive.  Metastatic breast cancer is cancer that began in the breast and spread to other parts of your body.  There is no cure for advanced breast cancer.  Women continue treatment to stay alive.  They may receive chemotherapy weekly.  They may receive radiation regularly.  They are on various medications.  These women reach their out of pocket maximum every single year.  These women have families.  They are fighting to stay alive knowing they will never be cancer free.  How long do they continue to fight?

These questions have been weighing on me.  Recently, a friend with advanced breast cancer told me that her mother thought she should quit treatment.  I became enraged.  My friend has two young girls and a husband. How could her own mother actually say those words to her daughter?  I found it insensitive and it really bothered me.  However, I began to understand the choice these women face.

The majority of women battling advanced breast cancer are not the Elizabeth Edwards type. (filthy rich) The money spent on treatment depletes their savings accounts.  My friend has been battling for seven years.  I cannot begin to comprehend the amount of medical bills the family owes.  The family will be paying those bills long after she has lost her battle.  The family's financial future will be affected for years after she is gone.

As a mother, you want to fight to stay alive.  Fight to see one more birthday, one more Christmas, one more year.  As a mother, you also think about them after you are gone.  Will they be able to handle your absence financially and emotionally?  Are you being selfish wanting more time knowing the inevitable outcome?
To me the answer will always be to fight.  You fight until the end.  Yet, these women deal with many emotional conflicts.  They think about now and the future.  They face these struggles and questions on a daily basis.

I think her mother was very wrong to say those words, but I understand why they were said.  A cancer diagnosis does not just affect the patient.  It affects the entire family and those close to the patient.  My battle lasted barely two years.  My friend is on year seven.  She is going to fight until the end because that is what mother's do.  We don't know what the future holds.  A new medical treatment could be discovered that cures her.  The cancer could simply stop growing insider her.  The current treatment plan could give her 10 more years.  Cancer is a journey of unknowns. That is why you continue to fight and never give up!      


  

Played by a 9 year old

Lately Andrew has been questioning the existence of Santa.  He is saying things like, "I just don't buy that there is a guy who makes presents for millions of kids."  "Reindeer cannot fly!"  "How can a guy travel all over the world in one night?"  I've been hearing these statements for months now.  He always ends with, "You can tell me it's you mom."  My response is always the same, "If you believe you will receive."

I thought I was dodging the issue quite well.  I thought I'd have one more year of our Christmas Eve rituals. Every Christmas Eve we leave Santa cookies and a glass of milk by the fireplace.  Then we put some carrots outside for the "flying" reindeer.  The three kids always sleep together on Christmas Eve.  They track Santa's movement on the internet and race to bed when he gets close.  We cuddle in bed and read Twas the Night Before Christmas.  Once they are quiet, David and I begin wrapping gifts.  Not sure why, but I am always wrapping on Christmas Eve.

I'm going to miss our Christmas Eve traditions.  This will be the first year that none of my children believe in Santa.  You see I blew it last night.  Andrew set me up and I walked right into his trap.  I got played by a 9 year old!

I was putting Andrew to bed.  We read a nightly devotional before going to sleep.  Tonight's was about honesty.  The devotional explained the meaning of integrity and the importance of being honest.  We finished reading and Andrew says, "It's okay to lie sometimes though."  "Like to tell someone you like their clothes when you don't."  "Or if you don't want to hurt their feelings."  We began talking about those situations and ways to be honest without hurting their feelings.  I remember thinking this is a really good conversation. He is really opening up.  I basically patted myself on the back.  Then he says, "it's okay to lie when you tell a little kid there is a Santa Claus."  Without a thought I answered, "yeah, but that is different."   He responded, "GOTCHA!"  "I knew it."  "I knew it was you."  The kid completely set me up.  He knew from his first question what he wanted to accomplish and he succeeded.

Now he is reminding me over and over how I admitted that I am Santa.  He is so proud of himself.  I must admit I never saw it coming.  Santa really needs to watch out for this kid.

To save or not to save

I posed a question on Facebook today and was surprised by the responses I received.  It left me rethinking my decision.  My daughter, a high school freshman, left her novel at home today.  She needed it for class and called asking me to drop it in the office.  I responded, no.  I am surprised by how many people thought I should have brought her the book.  

Last night at back to school night, Andrew's teacher told us that if our children forget their homework or lunch not to bring it to them.  Their LUNCH?  If I received a dollar every time I dropped their lunch off at school over the years, I'd own a new Coach bag!  The speech last night did not influence my decision.  

I have a standing rule with forgotten homework.  I save you once.  After that, oh well.  I realize I did not give Gabby her one save.  Here is why:  SHE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL!!  

She had enough time to ensure her phone and make-up were in her backpack.  She had enough time to see if the cute boy down the street left for school before us.  She had enough time to put on make-up and pick out the perfect outfit for the day.  We left for school 15 minutes before usual because she was sitting around ready to go.  Oddly enough, there was not enough time for her to make her bed, pick up her room, or grab all of her school work needed for the day.  I am not going to run a book to the school because she forgot it. When will it end?  Will I get a call in college asking me to bring her the term paper she forgot in her dorm room?  

I will always be there for my children.  I am willing to do anything for them.  However, they need to be responsible.  They need to learn to take care of the important things FIRST.  I do not feel this is tough love. 

I think it is a little lesson in priorities.       

The dreaded exam......

I am super excited to face my next challenge.  The dreaded California Bar exam!  I am also terrified.  Last night at class, our professor handed out a letter to give to our friends and family and it freaked me out.  Here are a few pearls of wisdom the letter contained:

• Expect your loved one (that's me) to be "gone" for the next three months.  They may be right there beside you and not there; she will be thinking constantly about exam fact patterns while eating and showering.  Your loved one will dream about the bar.   (I am going to be really boring.  I can't even sing in the shower anymore?)
• The person you knew as a slightly crazed law student will be taken over by "Bar-it is."   (I don't even know what this means exactly, but I was more than a slightly crazed law student...does that mean I will be deemed certifiably insane by the time I take the Bar?)
• Your loved one is competing against thousands of other people- young people, just out of law school, many with little or no work or family commitments.  (I am screwed. (excuse my language)  I am old with many family commitments  Thanks for this!!)
• Expect your loved one to say "NO" to all social commitments.  Tell your friends not to even ask.  (Isn't this a bit extreme?  I mean I have to eat lunch and exercise can't I drag a friend along for a break?  I can even give her a few fact patterns during our run.....if I accidentally tripped you right now because I have fact patterns clouding my brain and you fall and break your leg am I negligent?)  
• Delay any important decisions, major changes, arguments until after the Bar.  (If I have done anything to tick you off, yell at me in three months please)
• Try not to take the moodiness and tension that sometimes comes with Bar stress personally.  (and if you do we'll argue about it in three months!)      

I am not sure how my classmates felt about this letter but it stressed me out more than the actual exam!! 

I will not be as easily accessible until August 2nd.  However, I am not going to hide in a cave until the exam.

I have friends and family I care about and they will hear from me even if it is a text once a week or to go on a run with me.  (promise I will NOT trip you)  This exam is the most important I have ever taken.  I am going to take it seriously, but I need a balance.  I need time with my family and friends or I will go insane!  I have three kiddies and a husband that may have a problem with me being "gone" until August.  

I understand the message behind the letter.  The Bar exam must come first.  That is going to be difficult because I have never put my family second.  I will make it up to them on August 3rd!  Until then, please send happy thoughts, prayers and understanding my way.  

Bittersweet...

It seems to be the word of the day for me.  Well, not exactly for me but for my daughter.  My mother always tells me that any pain, sadness, sorrow I feel....she feels too.  Boy oh boy do I understand that now.

Two weeks ago Gabrielle injured her knee in soccer.  It was the second game of State Cup.  Gabby and the goalie were racing towards the ball.  They arrived at the same time.  Gabby shot....the goalie blocked it and Gabby went down.  I saw the look on her face when it happened and I knew she was in pain.  However, I did not expect a ruptured ACL, torn Meniscus, torn muscle behind the knee and a sprained MCL.

See why I didn't think it was that bad?  All smiles!

The day after

Today her team has made it to the final four!  Gabby is with her teammates and friends all smiles, and I am in tears.  As I am writing this, Gabby sent me this text..."everyone on the team pitched in for a jacket, I am loved!"  Once again, I am reminded that our friends and family are amazing.  I have had friends that have stopped by just to give her a hug.  Friends stopping by to check on her and bring her flowers.  She has gotten cookies, cards, and tons of love.

Gabrielle has a long road ahead of her.  She is currently attending physical therapy three times a week.
They are preparing her knee for surgery.  The surgery will replace the ACL and fix the meniscus.  After surgery, she will have another 6 months of physical therapy.  She has continuous pain.  You wouldn't know it being around her.  She rarely complains about the pain, but I know it is there.

I know there are people dealing with far greater issues than a bum knee.  But for us right now, this is a big hurdle.  I am continuously in awe of her ability to handle the situation.  She still has her goofy sense of humor, and a positive attitude.  I am sad that she is not playing with her team today.  I am sad that she will miss her freshman year of sports.  I am sad that she is in pain and scared that she faces surgery.

I know that God has a plan for her. (a wise friend reminded me of this yesterday)  She will work hard over the next year and return stronger.  Hopefully, the next time she is chasing down the ball and sees the goalie coming......she will jump over her instead of take the shot!!!!

Best teammates ever!

 

A reminder

Life has been so busy lately I feel our family is becoming disconnected.  I hear the kids arguing more often and I am lacking patience.  Then I watch them shower their sister with homemade gifts and all the bad disappears.  I am in awe at how much love they have for one another.  We are big on homemade gifts in our house.  Andrew wrote all over a plastic storage bin filled it with candy and a book...voila the perfect birthday gift.

He wrote on every side

We created a little scrapbook for Gabby.  Each of us wrote her a message and Andrew's blew me away.  He wrote, "I think of you as a rock star a roll model and a nice sister.  I love you and I am sorry for all the times I been mean to you.  Your loveing your caring your everything a brother wants.  I love you."

Does it get any cuter?

They really spoiled their sister tonight and it makes me smile.  Sure, they drive each other insane at times, but they adore one another too.  I am one lucky mommy!!!

I am also the mother of a 14 year old daughter.  How in the world did that happen so quickly?  Boy does she make me proud.  I cannot be around the girl without smiling.  Usually cause she is doing or saying something silly.  She is who she is and will not change for anyone.  I admire that so much.  She is a pretty special girl.  Days like today remind me not to sweat the small stuff and to cherish every moment.  Happy birthday Gabrielle Renee!

Birthday girl!

  

 

That time of year....again

The other day my husband asked me to hire a cleaning lady until I take the bar exam.  Apparently, I have been a raging lunatic lately!?  What he fails to recognize, and not for lack of caring, is that my increased stress level is not because of a messy house, finals, and the July bar.  It's because of the phone calls I've ignored for over three weeks.  I finally got the courage to return the calls to my doctor and my yearly appointments are made.  When I received my breast cancer diagnosis, I visited the doctor every two weeks.  Once I finished chemo, every three months.  After two years, my appointments were six months apart.  Once you reach the five year mark, yearly appointments.  Last year I celebrated my sixth year of being cancer free! (in Vegas with my amazing sisters)

During my six year appointment, my doctor explained that triple negative breast cancer is most likely to recur within the first five years after diagnosis. (you can learn more about triple negative here)  It is very rare to find a recurrence after five years.  The next words my doctor said were,"you're cured."  If I am cured, why am I so stressed about my yearly appointments?  Because I do NOT trust cancer.  Cancer does not care about statistics.  Cancer does not care if after five years it is not supposed to return for an encore.  The disease is like a psychopath.  It lacks a conscience, manipulates you into thinking you are healthy, and ruins your life if you let your guard down.  I am just not comfortable with the words, "you're cured."

I am not sitting around waiting to get cancer again.  After my diagnosis, I worried about my disease every second of every day.  Almost seven years later, I do not worry about it at all.  I did everything I could to ensure that I would be healthy forever.  My fate is not up to me.  I have put all of my faith and trust in God.  Only He knows how I will leave this earth and when.  There is no reason to worry about a disease that could come back.  I could walk out of the house and get hit by a car.  At this point in my life, I have more of a chance of getting killed in a car accident than from a recurrence of cancer.  Still, these darn appointments increase my stress and put a pit in my stomach.  The appointments force me to think about the cancer.  I don't want to give this disease one second of my thoughts.

Nonetheless, my first appointment is tomorrow.  I can only hope that these yearly appointments eventually cause less stress, otherwise my husband may kick me to the curb once a year.  If you have a loved one that is a survivor and they get a bit crazy around the time of their appointments, now you know why.  Give them a bit more love and understanding.  

End of my rope...

As a parent, I probably reach the end of my rope once a month!  I am pretty patient with many things, but the house is definitely not one of them.  When my house is messy and cluttered, I seriously feel like I cannot breathe.  I cannot stand clutter.  I know a messy house is not something to get all worked up about.  I have a healthy family, friends, blah, blah, blah!  I have heard all of these comments from friends, my husband, my mother.  Bottom line...if my house is out of order, I feel out of order.

The problem is that my house is out of order a lot these days and it drives me insane.  To quote my eight year old son...."watch out she's gonna blow!"  I ask very little of my children.  During the weekends, they are asked to help clean.  However, school weeks they are only required to make their beds, keep their rooms clean, put sports stuff in the garage and pick up after themselves.

Does this look like my garage?

Those are CLEAN clothes on the unmade bed!

Two seconds to throw that comforter over the bed...

What you don't see is the 5 blankets and over 20 stuffed animals on his bed.

I am a broken record.  Reminding them of the small chores I expect done everyday to help me out.  Even when I remind them, they don't do it!  I have gone on strike in the past, but that doesn't solve the problem it only makes it worse.  Today I decided that I would mirror my children.  I listened to them the way they listen to me.  When Gabby asked for help with her hair this morning, I said "in a minute."  Ten minutes passed and asked again....I responded, "hang on."  By the end of the morning, it only caused frustration.  I am at the end of my rope.  I have tried chore charts, allowance, lecturing (take pride in your home...blah, blah, blah), consequences (they cannot leave until the work is done), and yelling (which never works).  I am worried that by the time I become an attorney, I will need an attorney.

I am going to re-open all of my parenting books and figure out a plan that doesn't involve a live-in cleaning lady, figuring out how "I Dream of Jeannie" did the head thing, or purchasing every wand in Harry Potter Land hoping one actually works.  Happy cleaning!  




    

My "clean" little secret

Socks without a match....

Yep, that is my basket of unmatched socks.  Oh, I am certain that many of those socks have matches, but I have yet to go through the pile.  I think of it everyday.  I put it on my "to do" list every week.  Yet, there it sits.  Multiplying.  I keep justifying it by telling myself that once all of the laundry is done I will match them.  Is all of the laundry ever done?

I am a bit of an organization freak, so I am certain that this picture will shock those that know me well.
Let me assure you, this is NOT the only unfinished project in my house.  I have a closet of pictures that I constantly tell myself that I will get to next week.  The problem is that when a project remains unfinished it tends to grow and becomes so overwhelming that I never know where to begin.  This is precisely what happened with my "drawer" of unmatched socks.  It soon became two drawers, than filled a small bin, and now has multiplied into a large bin of unmatched socks!  Why do I have so many unmatched socks?  KIDS!  I find one sock on the grass, one in the street (apparently it was being used as a free throw line), multiple socks in my car, soccer bags, under the bed, on the bed, stuffed in the cushions of my couch (my husband is guilty of this).  You get the idea.  I just need to tackle the beast and match the darn socks!  Definitely on my "to do" list this week.  I will offer proof by the end of the week:)  

Second guessing...

I had a parenting moment today that I am already second guessing.  I have a teen in the house.  I can almost hear all of the mom's saying, "oh, you poor thing!"  I actually love having a teenager.  She is quick witted, sometimes too quick.  She is hilarious and very helpful around the house.  (who cares if I have to ask four times)  I thought we were over the hurdle of the disrespect and rudeness, but lately it is back.  I took a stand today and now I am wondering if it was too much.

Yesterday after school she played basketball, piano, her phone....anything and everything besides homework.  The plan was to do homework after soccer practice.  Unfortunately, after soccer practice she had a terrible migraine, came home and went to sleep.  She woke up at 8:30 p.m. still was not feeling well and went back to bed.  We told her to set her alarm for 5:00 a.m. to complete her homework.  I did not wake up with her.  I did not set an alarm.  She is almost 14 and I felt it is her responsibility.  At 7:10 a.m., I went into her room and reminded her we needed to leave at 7:30.  At this point, she showered.  Yep, a teenage girl leaving herself 20 minutes to get ready.  I am certain you know how the rest of the morning proceeded.

Snotty attitude because I told her to get ready too late.  Snotty attitude because she did not finish all of her homework and this was my fault?  It continued into the car and in front of the car pool kids.  On our way to school, she realized she forgot something at home.  We were only down the block, but if I went back for her the other kids would also be late for school.  If she went to school without the item, she would get penalized.

I chose not to take her back home.  I could not go out of my way for her after the attitude I received all morning.  She insisted that we go back to get her assignment and that I drive her to school late when I take the other kids.  (I am using "insisted" loosely)  Unlucky for her, I also car pool for the elementary school kids and my car is full.  I refused to allow her to double buckle.  I gave her the option of walking or waiting until I drop them off and come back to get her.  She chose to wait and subsequently missed her Spanish class.

I am not sure if this was the right choice.  The migraine was not her fault.  She probably had more of an attitude due to the migraine and stress of not doing her homework.  She missed a class.  However, she was so rude this morning and I just needed her to know I will not accept that behavior.  When I dropped her off at school, she thanked me for driving her.  She apologized and gave me the biggest hug and told me she loved me.  I know that attitude and irrational behavior is inevitable for teenagers.  I just want to see less of the bad stuff and more of the awesome teenager that I love and enjoy!!  

      

Strong women

Hopefully the title of this blog immediately brought someone to your mind.  A grandmother, mother, sister, friend, aunt, daughter?  I have known many strong women in my life and they have all influenced me to some degree.  However, there are two women that I could only hope to mirror, Aunt Alice and my mother.

 Aunt Alice is not actually my aunt, and I never met her.  The fact that I am grouping her with my own mother should give you a hint of how amazing Aunt Alice was.  (I know that sentence is not grammatically correct)  Aunt Alice lost her battle to breast cancer in December.  She battled this disease for years.  

It began as breast cancer, but through the years it spread.  It spread everywhere.  The cancer went to her bones, her ovaries, her brain.  No organ was safe from the monster.  Chemotherapy became a daily occurrence in Alice's life.  Yes, a daily occurrence.  Alice never gave up.  I quit chemo after my fourth round.  Yep, I told my husband that I was not going back and no one could make me.  (He called my mother and I went to round five and six)  Alice's chemo didn't end at round six.  Alice's fight consumed her life, but she still lived.  Alice lived with grace, dignity, and love.  The people in her life will never forget her.  Aunt Alice is synonymous with the word strong.  I often borrowed her strength throughout my journey.  Even though she is not physically here today; her strength and spirit will be with me forever.  Happy birthday Aunt Alice!  

My mother will be celebrating a major milestone next month.  She will be thirty years cancer free!  It is difficult to write about a wonderful woman who lost her battle than celebrate someone who won.  This unfairness adds to my hatred for this disease.  My mother received her cancer diagnosis at the ripe old age of 32.  Not only did she face a cancer diagnosis, but her father lost his battle with cancer at the exact same time.  My mother buried her father and two days later began her own.  I never knew about my mother's cancer, because my mother and grandmother hid it from me.  I remember her being in the hospital, but nothing else about the cancer.  Right after my grandfather passed away, my step-father left.  As I got older, I learned that he left because he could not handle her diagnosis.  Coward!  My mother protected me at a time when her life was in complete disarray.  The cancer returned in her other breast six months later.  At this point, my mother got rid of the darn things.  My mother refused chemotherapy and radiation.  She saw the effects of chemo on her father and simply refused.  My mother lost her father, her husband and kicked cancer's butt all in the same year.  She is amazing!  

I cannot reconcile why one is not with us today.  It is not fair.  I have learned that not much about cancer is fair.  I do know that both my mother and Aunt Alice are cancer free today and in that I can rejoice!  

It's all in the genes....

I just returned from Chicago because at the age of sixty-three my mother had surgery to remove her ovaries.  She had no choice because they would have killed her.  My mother is a 30 year breast cancer survivor.  Like me, she was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma at the age of 33.  Like me, she is BRCA1 positive.  She made a brave decision to remove her ovaries because carrying the BRCA1 gene almost guarantees that she will get ovarian cancer.  My mother made the decision to remove her ovaries before they tried to kill her.  I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason.

Try to follow me, my paternal grandfather died of stomach cancer at the age of 55.  His daughter (my mother) was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 33.  His granddaughter (me) was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 33.  When my mother was diagnosed, not much was known about the BRCA genes and she was never tested.  I was immediately tested for the gene after my diagnosis and I am positive.  I carry the BRCA1 gene.  Because of my diagnosis and testing, we traced the gene back to my grandfather.  We got my mom tested and she removed her ovaries.  Without my diagnosis, we would not know about the gene and my mother would have gotten ovarian cancer.  As I tell my mother, I saved her life!  Yeah, she doesn't buy it either.

The BRCA gene is a mutation.  The general population has a 7% chance of getting breast cancer in their lifetime.  A person with a BRCA gene mutation has an 87% chance of receiving a breast cancer diagnosis in their lifetime.  The general population has less than a 1% risk of ovarian cancer.  The BRCA carrier has a 64% chance of receiving a diagnosis of ovarian cancer in her lifetime.  The gene is not kind to men either; increasing their risk of prostate, pancreatic and breast cancer.  With these odds, it is imperative that you know your family history and the possibility of the BRCA gene being present.

I am sure many of you are reading this and thinking of my three yahoo's.

It is my daily battle.  I have moments where I cry uncontrollably thinking about our future.  I have moments where I think, this is going to be my legacy to my grandchildren, great grandchildren.  How could I do this to them?  Here's the thing, it is done.  Each of them have a 50/50 chance.  I could get lucky and none of them carry the gene.  (Please God, let this be) All three could be carriers, one of them, two of them.  I can worry everyday, but it is done.  They are here and they either have the gene or they don't.  I am gathering information for them daily.  I have stories of brave women who chose to remove their breasts.  I have stories of women who chose to be diligent and pray they are the 13% that does not get breast cancer.  All I can do, as a mother, is provide them with the information and let them make decisions that are best for them.  I am a six year survivor.  I am blessed with three beautiful children and if their genes betray them; I will be here to support them.

The thing is that I have knowledge and know what I am up against.  Look into your family history.  Ask questions and make sure that the BRCA gene did not infiltrate your family genes.  Knowledge is power.  We can do things like remove our ovaries.  We can take steps to ensure that we stay one step ahead of this dreaded disease!      

Resolutions

During the homily this week at mass, I renewed my wedding vows. Definitely not something I was expecting to do at Sunday mass along with all of the other couples in the congregation.

When I first said my vows, I didn't know or understand the enormity of them. Now "in sickness and in health", "in good times and bad" have real meaning. After fourteen years of marriage, those vows are real. We have been through a lot over the years and reaffirming that we are "all in" in front of our children and the entire congregation at church was very moving and it caused me to shed a few tears. However, I was quickly brought back to the moment with comments like, "Shocker, Mom's crying", "Mom, you are such a dork!"

The New Year is upon us and so many people are already making their resolutions. I never really understood the idea of resolutions once a year. How can you resolve to change just once a year? It isn't possible, which explains why the gyms are packed in January and empty by March. Your promise can begin in January, but it needs to be reaffirmed throughout the year. Much like marriage vows. You need a reminder of your resolution.

The start of a new year is exciting. It's wonderful to have new goals and make promises, but don't just say them on January 1st. Write them down and reaffirm them throughout the year. They may mean more to you the next time you say them!!

I have a few resolutions for 2013:
1. Clear the clutter! I have already completed the second floor of our house and filled over 40 bags of garbage and donations.

2. Get my gifts to the recipients ON TIME! I am always late for birthday gifts, cards and such. My goal is to actually have a niece or nephew open their present on their birthday. As I tpye this, my nephew's present is staring me in the face. (his birthday was yesterday)

3. Make sure my family knows I love them! Arguments, time, and distance can cause "issues"......those issues really don't matter.

4. PASS THE CALIFORNIA BAR THE FIRST TIME! I keep saying this hoping that if I say it enough, I can actually make it happen:)

Happy New Year!!