Perspective

I am in a parenting funk!   I am easily set off by every argument between the kids, every sock found stuffed in the couch, and every request for "only $5." 

I think back to when the kids were little. They cleaned up their toys at the end of every day.  I even sang the Barney "Clean Up" song while they were diligently putting their toys away.  The kids were appalled if they heard the words "shut up" or "stupid" cause those were bad words.  The only rooms that got messy on a daily basis were the playroom and the kitchen.  The schedule was mine to control.  If we wanted a day in our pajamas, we got it.  Bedtimes were set and stayed the same all week long!     

Today I am living in complete chaos.  I have a thirteen year old daughter that has lost a pair of shoes.  The explanation she gave, "maybe I left them somewhere?"  I replied, "did you ever come home in bare feet and not notice?"  I recently purchased two new lunch bags and water bottles.  We currently have one of each in our possession.  I cannot go more than 5 hours without hearing the following, "mom, do you know where my (insert any item) is?"  "Mom, what time is my practice?"  "Mom, did you finish my laundry yet?"  (my two girls do their own laundry, so this question drives me insane)

When my children were young, I embraced all of these tasks.  They depended on me for everything because they were little and still learning.  My memories of their childhood include teaching them responsibility.  I attempted to raise responsible children that would one day become self-sufficient.  Someone PLEASE tell me when that day will come???? 

I am so far from that point right now.  My 15 year old came downstairs today and threw some food away from her backpack.  A moldy drink and an unidentified smelly food item.  It is Tuesday.  The drink and unidentified food is from Thursday (Friday she forgot to make her lunch) and it has been in her room the entire weekend.  I do not make my children's lunches.  (teaching responsibility)  However, I am fairly certain I have now identified the foul odor in her room. 

The bickering.  I do not think my children can look at one another right now without bickering.  It is like nails on a chalkboard for me.  I try to ignore it, but it keeps going.  I hear phrases like "I hate you" thrown at each other.  That was a definite no-no when they were young.  There is even physical fighting at times.  I did not grow up living with siblings.  It was just me.  I fear this is why I do not have any patience for the bickering, because I simply don't understand why it must occur every single day!!!  

Today our schedule consumes us.  The end of the school year is very demanding and busy.  I am hoping that is the reason for the funk.  I am hoping that summer will relax everyone and life will return to organized chaos.  These kids are driving me nutty lately, but yesterday I saw in my children what I love most.

We spent the day at the beach yesterday.  When we arrived, a boy approached us asking if we needed help setting up.  We declined the help, but he still came over to talk to us.  He was probably 22, but with a mental capacity far lower.  My children did not try to send him away.  My son went to the playground with him for about an hour talking and swinging with him.  My girls chatted about school and life with him.  He returned throughout the day to chat with us.  As he left, he told them they were all friends for life and they followed one another on Instagram.  (I guess that is like exchanging numbers from my time) 

It gave me hope that I did something right.  They may be slobs and argue a lot, but they treat others with respect.  He told us about his high school experience and bullying.  My kids made him feel good about himself.  They made me proud.  The things that matter most (how you treat others) they get. 

Yesterday gave me a new perspective.  I need to focus on the good in them, because that definitely outweighs the bad!  I am off to clean up this pigsty and locate some lost shoes.......





















             

Unspoken words

I love my husband and I know that he means well, but something he said to me about six weeks ago sent me into panic mode.  One day we were talking and he said, "Your mood sets the tone for the family."  

I know this is probably true for most families.  Mom keeps things together.  However, I had been feeling unsettled for awhile at that time and his comment just sent me over the edge.  I felt this immense pressure all of a sudden.  I could not figure out what was wrong with me.  One day I went for a drive to get some time alone.  I found myself at Staples buying a notebook.  I sat in my car and began to write.  Before I knew it, emotions were pouring out of me that I did  not know existed.  I immediately felt better.

The following is my out pouring of emotion.  I am sharing because if I could help one person feel that they are not alone...I have succeeded.  I apologize if it does not completely make sense..but this is it unedited!

It is almost eight years after my diagnosis.  Three years ago my doctor actually used the words, "you are cured."  How does a doctor even say those words?  I know cancer is sneaky and can rear its ugly head at anytime.  I can never let my guard down.  I don't want to live with my guard always up though.  I should feel elated with each passing year, but I don't.  Lately I find myself sad and feeling alone.  I feel like I am the only person who remembers my breast cancer-and I remember it everyday.

I feel like I am the only one who breaks a little inside when another woman loses their battle with breast cancer or any cancer.  I feel like I am the only one who remembers that I am mutilated.  I feel like I am the only one that remembers filling my body with poison.  I am the only one who wonders if the numbness in my feet, the tennis elbow that creeps up, my knees that are sore all the time, the shortness of breath is age or the poison?

Then I snap myself out of it...whatever "it" is and I am thankful that I am here and can complain about the stupid possible remnants of chemo.  I struggle between these two extremes.  Is this life after breast cancer?

I expected myself to simply move forward.  It seems my loved ones have been able to do that.  I feel like a freak verbalizing my pains and fears.  I feel weak if I am honest and admit that after eight years I am still terrified of this disease.  I feel that no one will truly understand.  Why should I not be over this?  These feelings cause guilt.  I have no reason to be sad because I survived.  I am healthy.  I have an amazing life.

I fear that I am wasting days feeling this way thinking about the beast.  I only want to look forward, but how do I only look forward?  Is it normal to think about the breast cancer and want someone else to acknowledge it once in awhile?

I feel like the breast cancer is the mole in that carnival game- memories keep popping up and I continuously have to whack them away.  I also fear that I am not doing enough to ensure my children's future.  I promised myself I would stay involved in the fight and I have not.  Lately I look at my children and want to scream. They could have the gene.  Their future could be sealed and what am I doing?  I am worrying about me.
I should be more concerned about their futures than my past.  Then I look at my boy.  We have choices for my girls if they carry the gene.  They can be proactive and fight.  For my son, I am defenseless.  It seems that new cancers are popping up every year associated with the gene.  I may have given my children cancer. That is my legacy?

I think I viewed cancer like childbirth.  It really hurts to have a child.  Sometimes the pain is immense. However, by the time your child is 2 you are ready for another and that pain disappears.  Breast cancer is definitely not the same.  I wanted the pain and the journey to disappear, but it won't.  It is a part of me.

That is what I wrote in the parking lot of Staples.  It was dark out, so I had inside lights on and I was crying the entire time.  I am certain people steered clear of my car!  This was about six weeks ago.  I still have these feelings and worries.  However, writing them down helped so much.  I am not afraid of them anymore. I cannot push aside everything that happened to me as if it never occurred.  It is a part of me!

One word

I am a little sad to see 2013 go.  I had a great year!  I graduated law school thus fulfilling a lifelong dream, and I passed the California State Bar exam.  I do not think 2014 can top that!  However, I am excited to see what the new year brings.  Wait, it already brought me the cutest baby girl ever.  My niece, Julianna Aurelia, was born January 2nd.  Isn't she the cutest?  I know she looks sad here, but I am in love with this picture!  It is impossible to look at and not say, "awwww!"     

Don't you just want to hug her?  

 

I've been reading many blogs lately, and noticed people are choosing one word for the new year.  The idea is that you choose one word to guide you throughout the year.  At first I thought this was impossible.  How can one word fit into all aspects of your life?  After much thought, I am jumping in with both feet.  I am choosing one word instead of making resolutions this year. This one word will be my guide in all areas of my life.  I expected it to be difficult to find a word that would resonate with me, but I was wrong.  I knew it right away!

Present

Present. That is my one word for the year!  No, not a Christmas present or a birthday present.  Present.  Available.  Aware.  Right now.  Not stuck behind a computer screen or a phone.  Not running to get one more load of laundry done instead of playing PIG with my son.  Not trying to check Facebook one more time instead of having a conversation with my teen daughter.  How much have I missed because of my computer screen?  How much have I missed because I needed to run one more errand, or clean one more room?  Even when I am physically present, where is my mind racing off too?  Sure I attend mass, but how often does my mind wander? What should I make for dinner?  I cannot believe she wore that to church?  I exercise, but how many times have I made a phone call during a walk?  Cut my workout in half because of the laundry piling up?  Multi-tasking is a curse!  I cannot tell you how many times my mother has said to me, "what else are you doing right now?"  

I am going to be present!  I do not want to look back and realize I missed out on something special because of an electronic device.  I don't want to look back and realize I was not really present during my life.  This is it.  We only have one shot. 

 I am going to ensure that I am present during my interactions with my friends and family.  I am going to make sure that I am present for my husband and children.  I am going to be present spiritually when I attend mass and when I pray.  I am going to be healthy and exercise presently!  (I can tweak it a bit..it is MY word)  I am not going to put off exercising or making healthy choices because of inconvenience or other excuses.  Hopefully, being present will make 2014 as great as 2013!!  Oh one more, I am going to be PRESENT in Chicago in March to meet my new niece....and I cannot wait!    

  

Life is precious

I recently began driving two adorable little girls to school because their mother can no longer drive them. Their mother has been battling breast cancer for seven years.  Because the cancer spread to her bones, she receives chemo every three weeks and is on a constant drip of morphine for the pain.  She is a daily reminder of what could be.  

During the first few weeks, I was drawn to her.  I wanted to hear her story.  I sought to compare her story to mine.  How is it that I am cancer free and she is battling for her life?  I searched for reassurance.  How is my story different?  I looked for that one fact that gave me assurance that I will stay cancer free.  It was selfish of me.  After a few weeks, my feelings changed again.  I felt that I was a constant reminder of what she was not.  I started feeling guilty that I am healthy and enjoying my life while she is fighting for hers. These thoughts consume me.     

Friday I discovered that her doctors have stopped all treatment.  Hospice is arriving on Monday.  They are telling the girls and oldest son this weekend.  I know many people who have lost their battle to cancer.  This seems different.  I am completely heart broken.  I don't understand how doctor's just quit fighting.  I cannot imagine the pain my friend is feeling.  How do you look at your children and tell them you are going to die?  How will I drive these girls to school as if it is a normal Monday morning?  I want them to stay by their mother and soak up every amount of love she has to offer.  I want them to stay by her side and hear all the words of wisdom she won't be able to give them for years to come.  

This is the reality of cancer.  One mother survives, another may not.  My life is not more valuable than hers.  I cannot compare our stories because there is no logical explanation.  Cancer sucks and it is unfair.  My thoughts are the aftermath of a cancer diagnosis.  You constantly battle the enemy, even if it is not longer present in your body.  Situations like this remind me that life is indeed precious.   

Life is so precious
And each day a gift
So enjoy every minute
As it were your last

Cherish your loved ones
Hug them tight
Share with them your heart
And your time

Nothing is forever
And life goes so fast
Each minute that passes
Is one you can’t get back

When troubles arrive
And knock you off your feet
Stand up and smile
And remember life is too sweet

Every morning when you wake,
Decide right from the start,
That “Today will be a good day”
And let it all in with an open heart

Live Sincerely every day!!!!  

October Awareness

October is here.  The month is not about a pink ribbon.  It is about awareness.  I want to make you aware of those women with advanced breast cancer.  I want to make you aware of the emotional struggles these women face.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006.  At that time, one round of chemo cost $26,000.
I had insurance and was only responsible for 20% of that amount. (that last sentence is oozing with sarcasm)  Luckily, by the third round of chemo, I reached my out of pocket maximum and had 100% coverage. (again complete sarcasm)  My medical bills continued into 2007 allowing me to reach my out of pocket maximum for two consecutive years.

My battle ended.  Women with metastatic breast cancer keep fighting.  They must fight continuously to stay alive.  Metastatic breast cancer is cancer that began in the breast and spread to other parts of your body.  There is no cure for advanced breast cancer.  Women continue treatment to stay alive.  They may receive chemotherapy weekly.  They may receive radiation regularly.  They are on various medications.  These women reach their out of pocket maximum every single year.  These women have families.  They are fighting to stay alive knowing they will never be cancer free.  How long do they continue to fight?

These questions have been weighing on me.  Recently, a friend with advanced breast cancer told me that her mother thought she should quit treatment.  I became enraged.  My friend has two young girls and a husband. How could her own mother actually say those words to her daughter?  I found it insensitive and it really bothered me.  However, I began to understand the choice these women face.

The majority of women battling advanced breast cancer are not the Elizabeth Edwards type. (filthy rich) The money spent on treatment depletes their savings accounts.  My friend has been battling for seven years.  I cannot begin to comprehend the amount of medical bills the family owes.  The family will be paying those bills long after she has lost her battle.  The family's financial future will be affected for years after she is gone.

As a mother, you want to fight to stay alive.  Fight to see one more birthday, one more Christmas, one more year.  As a mother, you also think about them after you are gone.  Will they be able to handle your absence financially and emotionally?  Are you being selfish wanting more time knowing the inevitable outcome?
To me the answer will always be to fight.  You fight until the end.  Yet, these women deal with many emotional conflicts.  They think about now and the future.  They face these struggles and questions on a daily basis.

I think her mother was very wrong to say those words, but I understand why they were said.  A cancer diagnosis does not just affect the patient.  It affects the entire family and those close to the patient.  My battle lasted barely two years.  My friend is on year seven.  She is going to fight until the end because that is what mother's do.  We don't know what the future holds.  A new medical treatment could be discovered that cures her.  The cancer could simply stop growing insider her.  The current treatment plan could give her 10 more years.  Cancer is a journey of unknowns. That is why you continue to fight and never give up!      


  

Played by a 9 year old

Lately Andrew has been questioning the existence of Santa.  He is saying things like, "I just don't buy that there is a guy who makes presents for millions of kids."  "Reindeer cannot fly!"  "How can a guy travel all over the world in one night?"  I've been hearing these statements for months now.  He always ends with, "You can tell me it's you mom."  My response is always the same, "If you believe you will receive."

I thought I was dodging the issue quite well.  I thought I'd have one more year of our Christmas Eve rituals. Every Christmas Eve we leave Santa cookies and a glass of milk by the fireplace.  Then we put some carrots outside for the "flying" reindeer.  The three kids always sleep together on Christmas Eve.  They track Santa's movement on the internet and race to bed when he gets close.  We cuddle in bed and read Twas the Night Before Christmas.  Once they are quiet, David and I begin wrapping gifts.  Not sure why, but I am always wrapping on Christmas Eve.

I'm going to miss our Christmas Eve traditions.  This will be the first year that none of my children believe in Santa.  You see I blew it last night.  Andrew set me up and I walked right into his trap.  I got played by a 9 year old!

I was putting Andrew to bed.  We read a nightly devotional before going to sleep.  Tonight's was about honesty.  The devotional explained the meaning of integrity and the importance of being honest.  We finished reading and Andrew says, "It's okay to lie sometimes though."  "Like to tell someone you like their clothes when you don't."  "Or if you don't want to hurt their feelings."  We began talking about those situations and ways to be honest without hurting their feelings.  I remember thinking this is a really good conversation. He is really opening up.  I basically patted myself on the back.  Then he says, "it's okay to lie when you tell a little kid there is a Santa Claus."  Without a thought I answered, "yeah, but that is different."   He responded, "GOTCHA!"  "I knew it."  "I knew it was you."  The kid completely set me up.  He knew from his first question what he wanted to accomplish and he succeeded.

Now he is reminding me over and over how I admitted that I am Santa.  He is so proud of himself.  I must admit I never saw it coming.  Santa really needs to watch out for this kid.

To save or not to save

I posed a question on Facebook today and was surprised by the responses I received.  It left me rethinking my decision.  My daughter, a high school freshman, left her novel at home today.  She needed it for class and called asking me to drop it in the office.  I responded, no.  I am surprised by how many people thought I should have brought her the book.  

Last night at back to school night, Andrew's teacher told us that if our children forget their homework or lunch not to bring it to them.  Their LUNCH?  If I received a dollar every time I dropped their lunch off at school over the years, I'd own a new Coach bag!  The speech last night did not influence my decision.  

I have a standing rule with forgotten homework.  I save you once.  After that, oh well.  I realize I did not give Gabby her one save.  Here is why:  SHE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL!!  

She had enough time to ensure her phone and make-up were in her backpack.  She had enough time to see if the cute boy down the street left for school before us.  She had enough time to put on make-up and pick out the perfect outfit for the day.  We left for school 15 minutes before usual because she was sitting around ready to go.  Oddly enough, there was not enough time for her to make her bed, pick up her room, or grab all of her school work needed for the day.  I am not going to run a book to the school because she forgot it. When will it end?  Will I get a call in college asking me to bring her the term paper she forgot in her dorm room?  

I will always be there for my children.  I am willing to do anything for them.  However, they need to be responsible.  They need to learn to take care of the important things FIRST.  I do not feel this is tough love. 

I think it is a little lesson in priorities.