One word

I am a little sad to see 2013 go.  I had a great year!  I graduated law school thus fulfilling a lifelong dream, and I passed the California State Bar exam.  I do not think 2014 can top that!  However, I am excited to see what the new year brings.  Wait, it already brought me the cutest baby girl ever.  My niece, Julianna Aurelia, was born January 2nd.  Isn't she the cutest?  I know she looks sad here, but I am in love with this picture!  It is impossible to look at and not say, "awwww!"     

Don't you just want to hug her?  

 

I've been reading many blogs lately, and noticed people are choosing one word for the new year.  The idea is that you choose one word to guide you throughout the year.  At first I thought this was impossible.  How can one word fit into all aspects of your life?  After much thought, I am jumping in with both feet.  I am choosing one word instead of making resolutions this year. This one word will be my guide in all areas of my life.  I expected it to be difficult to find a word that would resonate with me, but I was wrong.  I knew it right away!

Present

Present. That is my one word for the year!  No, not a Christmas present or a birthday present.  Present.  Available.  Aware.  Right now.  Not stuck behind a computer screen or a phone.  Not running to get one more load of laundry done instead of playing PIG with my son.  Not trying to check Facebook one more time instead of having a conversation with my teen daughter.  How much have I missed because of my computer screen?  How much have I missed because I needed to run one more errand, or clean one more room?  Even when I am physically present, where is my mind racing off too?  Sure I attend mass, but how often does my mind wander? What should I make for dinner?  I cannot believe she wore that to church?  I exercise, but how many times have I made a phone call during a walk?  Cut my workout in half because of the laundry piling up?  Multi-tasking is a curse!  I cannot tell you how many times my mother has said to me, "what else are you doing right now?"  

I am going to be present!  I do not want to look back and realize I missed out on something special because of an electronic device.  I don't want to look back and realize I was not really present during my life.  This is it.  We only have one shot. 

 I am going to ensure that I am present during my interactions with my friends and family.  I am going to make sure that I am present for my husband and children.  I am going to be present spiritually when I attend mass and when I pray.  I am going to be healthy and exercise presently!  (I can tweak it a bit..it is MY word)  I am not going to put off exercising or making healthy choices because of inconvenience or other excuses.  Hopefully, being present will make 2014 as great as 2013!!  Oh one more, I am going to be PRESENT in Chicago in March to meet my new niece....and I cannot wait!    

  

Life is precious

I recently began driving two adorable little girls to school because their mother can no longer drive them. Their mother has been battling breast cancer for seven years.  Because the cancer spread to her bones, she receives chemo every three weeks and is on a constant drip of morphine for the pain.  She is a daily reminder of what could be.  

During the first few weeks, I was drawn to her.  I wanted to hear her story.  I sought to compare her story to mine.  How is it that I am cancer free and she is battling for her life?  I searched for reassurance.  How is my story different?  I looked for that one fact that gave me assurance that I will stay cancer free.  It was selfish of me.  After a few weeks, my feelings changed again.  I felt that I was a constant reminder of what she was not.  I started feeling guilty that I am healthy and enjoying my life while she is fighting for hers. These thoughts consume me.     

Friday I discovered that her doctors have stopped all treatment.  Hospice is arriving on Monday.  They are telling the girls and oldest son this weekend.  I know many people who have lost their battle to cancer.  This seems different.  I am completely heart broken.  I don't understand how doctor's just quit fighting.  I cannot imagine the pain my friend is feeling.  How do you look at your children and tell them you are going to die?  How will I drive these girls to school as if it is a normal Monday morning?  I want them to stay by their mother and soak up every amount of love she has to offer.  I want them to stay by her side and hear all the words of wisdom she won't be able to give them for years to come.  

This is the reality of cancer.  One mother survives, another may not.  My life is not more valuable than hers.  I cannot compare our stories because there is no logical explanation.  Cancer sucks and it is unfair.  My thoughts are the aftermath of a cancer diagnosis.  You constantly battle the enemy, even if it is not longer present in your body.  Situations like this remind me that life is indeed precious.   

Life is so precious
And each day a gift
So enjoy every minute
As it were your last

Cherish your loved ones
Hug them tight
Share with them your heart
And your time

Nothing is forever
And life goes so fast
Each minute that passes
Is one you can’t get back

When troubles arrive
And knock you off your feet
Stand up and smile
And remember life is too sweet

Every morning when you wake,
Decide right from the start,
That “Today will be a good day”
And let it all in with an open heart

Live Sincerely every day!!!!  

October Awareness

October is here.  The month is not about a pink ribbon.  It is about awareness.  I want to make you aware of those women with advanced breast cancer.  I want to make you aware of the emotional struggles these women face.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006.  At that time, one round of chemo cost $26,000.
I had insurance and was only responsible for 20% of that amount. (that last sentence is oozing with sarcasm)  Luckily, by the third round of chemo, I reached my out of pocket maximum and had 100% coverage. (again complete sarcasm)  My medical bills continued into 2007 allowing me to reach my out of pocket maximum for two consecutive years.

My battle ended.  Women with metastatic breast cancer keep fighting.  They must fight continuously to stay alive.  Metastatic breast cancer is cancer that began in the breast and spread to other parts of your body.  There is no cure for advanced breast cancer.  Women continue treatment to stay alive.  They may receive chemotherapy weekly.  They may receive radiation regularly.  They are on various medications.  These women reach their out of pocket maximum every single year.  These women have families.  They are fighting to stay alive knowing they will never be cancer free.  How long do they continue to fight?

These questions have been weighing on me.  Recently, a friend with advanced breast cancer told me that her mother thought she should quit treatment.  I became enraged.  My friend has two young girls and a husband. How could her own mother actually say those words to her daughter?  I found it insensitive and it really bothered me.  However, I began to understand the choice these women face.

The majority of women battling advanced breast cancer are not the Elizabeth Edwards type. (filthy rich) The money spent on treatment depletes their savings accounts.  My friend has been battling for seven years.  I cannot begin to comprehend the amount of medical bills the family owes.  The family will be paying those bills long after she has lost her battle.  The family's financial future will be affected for years after she is gone.

As a mother, you want to fight to stay alive.  Fight to see one more birthday, one more Christmas, one more year.  As a mother, you also think about them after you are gone.  Will they be able to handle your absence financially and emotionally?  Are you being selfish wanting more time knowing the inevitable outcome?
To me the answer will always be to fight.  You fight until the end.  Yet, these women deal with many emotional conflicts.  They think about now and the future.  They face these struggles and questions on a daily basis.

I think her mother was very wrong to say those words, but I understand why they were said.  A cancer diagnosis does not just affect the patient.  It affects the entire family and those close to the patient.  My battle lasted barely two years.  My friend is on year seven.  She is going to fight until the end because that is what mother's do.  We don't know what the future holds.  A new medical treatment could be discovered that cures her.  The cancer could simply stop growing insider her.  The current treatment plan could give her 10 more years.  Cancer is a journey of unknowns. That is why you continue to fight and never give up!      


  

Played by a 9 year old

Lately Andrew has been questioning the existence of Santa.  He is saying things like, "I just don't buy that there is a guy who makes presents for millions of kids."  "Reindeer cannot fly!"  "How can a guy travel all over the world in one night?"  I've been hearing these statements for months now.  He always ends with, "You can tell me it's you mom."  My response is always the same, "If you believe you will receive."

I thought I was dodging the issue quite well.  I thought I'd have one more year of our Christmas Eve rituals. Every Christmas Eve we leave Santa cookies and a glass of milk by the fireplace.  Then we put some carrots outside for the "flying" reindeer.  The three kids always sleep together on Christmas Eve.  They track Santa's movement on the internet and race to bed when he gets close.  We cuddle in bed and read Twas the Night Before Christmas.  Once they are quiet, David and I begin wrapping gifts.  Not sure why, but I am always wrapping on Christmas Eve.

I'm going to miss our Christmas Eve traditions.  This will be the first year that none of my children believe in Santa.  You see I blew it last night.  Andrew set me up and I walked right into his trap.  I got played by a 9 year old!

I was putting Andrew to bed.  We read a nightly devotional before going to sleep.  Tonight's was about honesty.  The devotional explained the meaning of integrity and the importance of being honest.  We finished reading and Andrew says, "It's okay to lie sometimes though."  "Like to tell someone you like their clothes when you don't."  "Or if you don't want to hurt their feelings."  We began talking about those situations and ways to be honest without hurting their feelings.  I remember thinking this is a really good conversation. He is really opening up.  I basically patted myself on the back.  Then he says, "it's okay to lie when you tell a little kid there is a Santa Claus."  Without a thought I answered, "yeah, but that is different."   He responded, "GOTCHA!"  "I knew it."  "I knew it was you."  The kid completely set me up.  He knew from his first question what he wanted to accomplish and he succeeded.

Now he is reminding me over and over how I admitted that I am Santa.  He is so proud of himself.  I must admit I never saw it coming.  Santa really needs to watch out for this kid.

To save or not to save

I posed a question on Facebook today and was surprised by the responses I received.  It left me rethinking my decision.  My daughter, a high school freshman, left her novel at home today.  She needed it for class and called asking me to drop it in the office.  I responded, no.  I am surprised by how many people thought I should have brought her the book.  

Last night at back to school night, Andrew's teacher told us that if our children forget their homework or lunch not to bring it to them.  Their LUNCH?  If I received a dollar every time I dropped their lunch off at school over the years, I'd own a new Coach bag!  The speech last night did not influence my decision.  

I have a standing rule with forgotten homework.  I save you once.  After that, oh well.  I realize I did not give Gabby her one save.  Here is why:  SHE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL!!  

She had enough time to ensure her phone and make-up were in her backpack.  She had enough time to see if the cute boy down the street left for school before us.  She had enough time to put on make-up and pick out the perfect outfit for the day.  We left for school 15 minutes before usual because she was sitting around ready to go.  Oddly enough, there was not enough time for her to make her bed, pick up her room, or grab all of her school work needed for the day.  I am not going to run a book to the school because she forgot it. When will it end?  Will I get a call in college asking me to bring her the term paper she forgot in her dorm room?  

I will always be there for my children.  I am willing to do anything for them.  However, they need to be responsible.  They need to learn to take care of the important things FIRST.  I do not feel this is tough love. 

I think it is a little lesson in priorities.       

The dreaded exam......

I am super excited to face my next challenge.  The dreaded California Bar exam!  I am also terrified.  Last night at class, our professor handed out a letter to give to our friends and family and it freaked me out.  Here are a few pearls of wisdom the letter contained:

• Expect your loved one (that's me) to be "gone" for the next three months.  They may be right there beside you and not there; she will be thinking constantly about exam fact patterns while eating and showering.  Your loved one will dream about the bar.   (I am going to be really boring.  I can't even sing in the shower anymore?)
• The person you knew as a slightly crazed law student will be taken over by "Bar-it is."   (I don't even know what this means exactly, but I was more than a slightly crazed law student...does that mean I will be deemed certifiably insane by the time I take the Bar?)
• Your loved one is competing against thousands of other people- young people, just out of law school, many with little or no work or family commitments.  (I am screwed. (excuse my language)  I am old with many family commitments  Thanks for this!!)
• Expect your loved one to say "NO" to all social commitments.  Tell your friends not to even ask.  (Isn't this a bit extreme?  I mean I have to eat lunch and exercise can't I drag a friend along for a break?  I can even give her a few fact patterns during our run.....if I accidentally tripped you right now because I have fact patterns clouding my brain and you fall and break your leg am I negligent?)  
• Delay any important decisions, major changes, arguments until after the Bar.  (If I have done anything to tick you off, yell at me in three months please)
• Try not to take the moodiness and tension that sometimes comes with Bar stress personally.  (and if you do we'll argue about it in three months!)      

I am not sure how my classmates felt about this letter but it stressed me out more than the actual exam!! 

I will not be as easily accessible until August 2nd.  However, I am not going to hide in a cave until the exam.

I have friends and family I care about and they will hear from me even if it is a text once a week or to go on a run with me.  (promise I will NOT trip you)  This exam is the most important I have ever taken.  I am going to take it seriously, but I need a balance.  I need time with my family and friends or I will go insane!  I have three kiddies and a husband that may have a problem with me being "gone" until August.  

I understand the message behind the letter.  The Bar exam must come first.  That is going to be difficult because I have never put my family second.  I will make it up to them on August 3rd!  Until then, please send happy thoughts, prayers and understanding my way.  

Bittersweet...

It seems to be the word of the day for me.  Well, not exactly for me but for my daughter.  My mother always tells me that any pain, sadness, sorrow I feel....she feels too.  Boy oh boy do I understand that now.

Two weeks ago Gabrielle injured her knee in soccer.  It was the second game of State Cup.  Gabby and the goalie were racing towards the ball.  They arrived at the same time.  Gabby shot....the goalie blocked it and Gabby went down.  I saw the look on her face when it happened and I knew she was in pain.  However, I did not expect a ruptured ACL, torn Meniscus, torn muscle behind the knee and a sprained MCL.

See why I didn't think it was that bad?  All smiles!

The day after

Today her team has made it to the final four!  Gabby is with her teammates and friends all smiles, and I am in tears.  As I am writing this, Gabby sent me this text..."everyone on the team pitched in for a jacket, I am loved!"  Once again, I am reminded that our friends and family are amazing.  I have had friends that have stopped by just to give her a hug.  Friends stopping by to check on her and bring her flowers.  She has gotten cookies, cards, and tons of love.

Gabrielle has a long road ahead of her.  She is currently attending physical therapy three times a week.
They are preparing her knee for surgery.  The surgery will replace the ACL and fix the meniscus.  After surgery, she will have another 6 months of physical therapy.  She has continuous pain.  You wouldn't know it being around her.  She rarely complains about the pain, but I know it is there.

I know there are people dealing with far greater issues than a bum knee.  But for us right now, this is a big hurdle.  I am continuously in awe of her ability to handle the situation.  She still has her goofy sense of humor, and a positive attitude.  I am sad that she is not playing with her team today.  I am sad that she will miss her freshman year of sports.  I am sad that she is in pain and scared that she faces surgery.

I know that God has a plan for her. (a wise friend reminded me of this yesterday)  She will work hard over the next year and return stronger.  Hopefully, the next time she is chasing down the ball and sees the goalie coming......she will jump over her instead of take the shot!!!!

Best teammates ever!