The Big Bang Theory

Rylee is learning about the Big Bang Theory in Science.  She is truly bothered by the fact that she has to learn this "theory."   Furthermore, she is convinced her teacher is Catholic (because the teacher's daughter was an Us In The Son counselor) and she must not buy into the theory either but be required to teach it.   

Well, for the sake of Rylee's GPA I truly hope she is correct.  When filling out her homework packet on the Theory, my daughter wrote answers like the following:

1.  What are some other hypothetical theories about the creation of the universe?  Answer:  THE BIG BANG THEORY. 

2.  Who is responsible for the creation of the Big Bang Theory?  Answer:  GOD.  

3.  The universe was created by the Big Bang Theory and it grew......?  (BY GOD)   She did not even give that question a chance.  

I found all of this very amusing.  But more importantly, it made me smile.  The faith that I hold dear is being passed along to my child.  During this time of year, that is the best gift I could receive.    

I am not certain what her grade will be on this packet, but Rylee feels vindicated.  On Friday, her teacher talked with her after class and said, "I know God's real but we are discovering how he made the earth." 

 

      

To my sisters

I am now the parent of three kids in double digits!  This is the first birthday to make me sad.  I am not sure if it is because my youngest turned 10, or if I am missing the days of raising little kids. I have various sisters who are in the baby/toddler stage.  I remember those days fondly.  It is difficult to have a conversation with anyone because you are constantly interrupted or you must save your child from danger every three to five minutes.  Sleep is a rarity during that time.  It is difficult to ever sit down because your toddler is everywhere and the baby always needs something.  My sisters enjoy and love this time, but long for the days when it is less chaotic.  I don't have the heart to tell them those days are not coming anytime soon.  I have a 15, 13 and 10 year old, and my life still resembles their chaotic lives.  Here are a few things that don't change and a few added bonuses of older children.  

1.  The mess.

Here is a typical scenario in our family:  Kid A walks in from school.  Backpack deposited at the front door, one shoe flung off foot landing somewhere by the front door the other taken off as they make their way to the kitchen for a snack.  The empty baskets by the front door are apparently just used for decoration.  Kid A continues the path of destruction into the kitchen where a snack is made.  The child continues upstairs with the snack.  The kitchen is left with three cabinets open and whatever crumbs from snack left behind.  Once upstairs, Kid A's feet become so hot the socks must be taken off immediately.  This usually means a sock is stuffed in the couch cushions or thrown somewhere in the bonus room.  (this is also the case with Husband) The snack is left behind in the bonus room as Kid A begins homework.  Lunch box is thrown wherever homework begins.  It does not make its way to the kitchen until the next morning when lunch is being made.  Homework papers and books are left wherever homework is completed.  Now it is time for practice.  Kid A sheds clothes and they wind up on a floor somewhere.  The laundry baskets are left empty dreaming of the day they get filled.  Kid A returns from soccer practice and the routine continues.  Backpack, cleats, shin guards deposited by the front door or somewhere in the house.  The shelf for sports gear in the garage left empty.  This causes a panic before the next practice when equipment cannot be found.  I could go on and on about wet towels on the bed, floor, chair, but you get the picture.  The mess your young children make only grows as they grow.  It is unable to be contained.  It spreads like a virus throughout your house.  You have been warned.    

2. Sleep

The lack of sleep you experience with a newborn does end as your kids get older.  However, the set bedtimes you enjoy become a thing of the past.  My oldest is up hours past me these days.  The alone time you crave at the end of the day is gone.  They are up with you watching your shows.  If you think you will never have a kid in your room at night, you are nuts.  One medium sized earthquake and you find your bed becomes a can of sardines.  Kid A is so freaked by the earthquake that your floor becomes her resting place for weeks to come.  Kids find out a home is broken into near them and again your bedroom becomes Motel 6.  Set bedtimes are a treasure that disappear when your kids get older.  Savor those times.  Waiting up for your children to come home at night is the new norm.  It is often long after my 9:30 or 10:00 pm bedtime.  I fear this waiting is going to continue for quite sometime and only get worse when I have a child that drives. Enjoy the set bedtimes and be strict with them.  This is your only alone time and it also disappears.    

3.  Conversations

Here is the scenario when speaking to a parent of young children:  You will not believe who I saw the other day. You are gonna die when you hear this...hold on....(insert child's name:  stop hitting your sister)  Okay so, the other day I was on the way to work at a stop light and a car pulled up next to me...hold on (same child: I am not going to tell you again stop hitting your sister)  Sorry, when I am on the phone they want attention.  Where was I? ....hold on (same child:  get off the coffee table)  I am gonna have to call you back later.  Bye.   You are left wondering who they saw.  George Clooney?  A past love? A person we know picking their nose?  The next time you talk they completely forget and you never learn about the mystery person.  I am sorry to tell you this never changes.  Sure, when your kids are off at school you can have conversations, but when they are home it is the same.  They received a text from a friend and need to know right that second if they can make plans.  They are searching for the sports gear that is not on the shelf in the garage.  They may be hitting their sister too.  Sorry sis, this does not change.      

4.  Laundry

All I am going to tell you about laundry is to beware.  It has reproductive powers and it eats its young resulting in mismatched socks.   

5.  Empty pockets

Empty pockets because children are money sucking mongers.  ( I say that lovingly)  Haircuts are no longer done at Rainbow Kids for $15.  They actually care about what they wear.  Except for my son.  He is happy in athletic shorts and a mismatched shirt.  Their clothes are more expensive.  They accessorize.  They need more than one pair of shoes.  They are always asking for money to go somewhere.  They have phones that cost money.  They drop these phones off of roller coasters resulting in the purchase of a new phone.  They sometimes get major injuries resulting in many medical bills.  They eat more than toddlers.  Grocery bills multiply.  The amount of mouths to feed multiply because there are always friends around that eat too.  Then you think about college in a few years and that is when you have a heart attack resulting in your own medical bills and the cycle continues.  Save money for the future.  It may seem impossible, but you will not have more money as your children get older it continues to disappear.    

6..  Keeping kids out of danger

You can child-proof your house to keep your kids safe.  Unfortunately, you cannot child-proof outside of your home.  As they get older, they are not within the safety of your home.  They are gone more than they are home.  It is scary.  Throw in the world of social media and the danger intensifies.  You will constantly struggle with keeping them safe.  Enjoy that you have your eye on them almost all of the time.  You catch them before they fall into the coffee table, or fall off the stool.  You can follow them around the park to make sure they are safe.  When they are older, they are on their own.  They must make the choices to keep themselves safe.  This is the most difficult part of having older children.  I need to be confident that the job I did when they were young will lead to them making smart choices.  This scares me because the dangers have changed and grow as they grow.   

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news.  Many of your struggles do not disappear as your children get older.  However, there is a lot you will gain.  Hang in there. 

Yin and Yang

Every year on this day I am flooded with memories.  Surprisingly, not all of them are horrible.  I remember returning to my hospital room after my first surgery.  My sister taped pictures of George Clooney all over the room.  ( I am a tad bit obsessed with him)  It made my hospital room way more appealing.  My first visitors were my dear friends, Deb and Kristen, I remember them making me laugh so hard it hurt.  It really hurt.  I cannot recall what they were saying, but anyone who knows them can definitely vouch for them always making you laugh.  My friends from Maryland sent food to the waiting room for my husband and family.  Yep, from hundreds of miles away they sent food.  My brother calmed my mother's nerves by joining her for periodic breaks from the waiting room.  I am sure he never knew what his kindness meant to her and to me.  At one point after surgery, I had so many family members in my hospital room the nurse threatened to kick people out.

It was a tough week for our family.  A mere 6 days earlier we were in a waiting room at a different hospital while my father had brain surgery.  Yes, you read that correctly.  A few days after my diagnosis, my father came over.  He walked into the house with his arms full of groceries.  This is my dad.  He is always thinking of someone else and he is always helping.  He set the groceries down and we started to talk about my upcoming surgery.  Then he calmly explained that the tumor that had been in his brain for years grew.  His doctors wanted to remove it right away.  In hindsight, we should have booked the same operating room and asked for a discount!!  He was very calm about his upcoming surgery.  What upset him the most was that he could not be there for me.  My husband promised him  that he would let him know that I was okay after my surgery.  He kept that promise.  After sitting in a waiting room for 7 hours then running home to check on the kids, he drove to the city to see my dad and tell him I was okay.  My dad had some complications from his surgery, but swears that he remembers David speaking to him that night.  

Our family endured two cancer diagnoses within three weeks of each other and two major surgeries within a week.  Yet so many of my memories are happy.  Cancer sucks.  There is no denying that.  But the people in my life made it bearable.  They made me happy.  During a time in my life where so much was wrong, I was happy.  How could I not be happy with a room full of visitors?  How could I not be happy when everyday I opened the mailbox I found a card or a letter?

When I think about my journey with breast cancer, I think of the Yin and the Yang.   Yin & Yang:  Opposite or contrary forces that are actually complementary or interconnected.  

I have these horrible memories, but I have so many wonderful memories too.  Without all of these happy memories, I would not be here today.  I am convinced of that.  They gave me strength when I had none left. On a day like today, the memories that enter my mind are all the good ones.  The memories of the people in my life that were there for me every step of the way.  For that and for so much more, I am grateful!        

Perspective

I am in a parenting funk!   I am easily set off by every argument between the kids, every sock found stuffed in the couch, and every request for "only $5." 

I think back to when the kids were little. They cleaned up their toys at the end of every day.  I even sang the Barney "Clean Up" song while they were diligently putting their toys away.  The kids were appalled if they heard the words "shut up" or "stupid" cause those were bad words.  The only rooms that got messy on a daily basis were the playroom and the kitchen.  The schedule was mine to control.  If we wanted a day in our pajamas, we got it.  Bedtimes were set and stayed the same all week long!     

Today I am living in complete chaos.  I have a thirteen year old daughter that has lost a pair of shoes.  The explanation she gave, "maybe I left them somewhere?"  I replied, "did you ever come home in bare feet and not notice?"  I recently purchased two new lunch bags and water bottles.  We currently have one of each in our possession.  I cannot go more than 5 hours without hearing the following, "mom, do you know where my (insert any item) is?"  "Mom, what time is my practice?"  "Mom, did you finish my laundry yet?"  (my two girls do their own laundry, so this question drives me insane)

When my children were young, I embraced all of these tasks.  They depended on me for everything because they were little and still learning.  My memories of their childhood include teaching them responsibility.  I attempted to raise responsible children that would one day become self-sufficient.  Someone PLEASE tell me when that day will come???? 

I am so far from that point right now.  My 15 year old came downstairs today and threw some food away from her backpack.  A moldy drink and an unidentified smelly food item.  It is Tuesday.  The drink and unidentified food is from Thursday (Friday she forgot to make her lunch) and it has been in her room the entire weekend.  I do not make my children's lunches.  (teaching responsibility)  However, I am fairly certain I have now identified the foul odor in her room. 

The bickering.  I do not think my children can look at one another right now without bickering.  It is like nails on a chalkboard for me.  I try to ignore it, but it keeps going.  I hear phrases like "I hate you" thrown at each other.  That was a definite no-no when they were young.  There is even physical fighting at times.  I did not grow up living with siblings.  It was just me.  I fear this is why I do not have any patience for the bickering, because I simply don't understand why it must occur every single day!!!  

Today our schedule consumes us.  The end of the school year is very demanding and busy.  I am hoping that is the reason for the funk.  I am hoping that summer will relax everyone and life will return to organized chaos.  These kids are driving me nutty lately, but yesterday I saw in my children what I love most.

We spent the day at the beach yesterday.  When we arrived, a boy approached us asking if we needed help setting up.  We declined the help, but he still came over to talk to us.  He was probably 22, but with a mental capacity far lower.  My children did not try to send him away.  My son went to the playground with him for about an hour talking and swinging with him.  My girls chatted about school and life with him.  He returned throughout the day to chat with us.  As he left, he told them they were all friends for life and they followed one another on Instagram.  (I guess that is like exchanging numbers from my time) 

It gave me hope that I did something right.  They may be slobs and argue a lot, but they treat others with respect.  He told us about his high school experience and bullying.  My kids made him feel good about himself.  They made me proud.  The things that matter most (how you treat others) they get. 

Yesterday gave me a new perspective.  I need to focus on the good in them, because that definitely outweighs the bad!  I am off to clean up this pigsty and locate some lost shoes.......





















             

Unspoken words

I love my husband and I know that he means well, but something he said to me about six weeks ago sent me into panic mode.  One day we were talking and he said, "Your mood sets the tone for the family."  

I know this is probably true for most families.  Mom keeps things together.  However, I had been feeling unsettled for awhile at that time and his comment just sent me over the edge.  I felt this immense pressure all of a sudden.  I could not figure out what was wrong with me.  One day I went for a drive to get some time alone.  I found myself at Staples buying a notebook.  I sat in my car and began to write.  Before I knew it, emotions were pouring out of me that I did  not know existed.  I immediately felt better.

The following is my out pouring of emotion.  I am sharing because if I could help one person feel that they are not alone...I have succeeded.  I apologize if it does not completely make sense..but this is it unedited!

It is almost eight years after my diagnosis.  Three years ago my doctor actually used the words, "you are cured."  How does a doctor even say those words?  I know cancer is sneaky and can rear its ugly head at anytime.  I can never let my guard down.  I don't want to live with my guard always up though.  I should feel elated with each passing year, but I don't.  Lately I find myself sad and feeling alone.  I feel like I am the only person who remembers my breast cancer-and I remember it everyday.

I feel like I am the only one who breaks a little inside when another woman loses their battle with breast cancer or any cancer.  I feel like I am the only one who remembers that I am mutilated.  I feel like I am the only one that remembers filling my body with poison.  I am the only one who wonders if the numbness in my feet, the tennis elbow that creeps up, my knees that are sore all the time, the shortness of breath is age or the poison?

Then I snap myself out of it...whatever "it" is and I am thankful that I am here and can complain about the stupid possible remnants of chemo.  I struggle between these two extremes.  Is this life after breast cancer?

I expected myself to simply move forward.  It seems my loved ones have been able to do that.  I feel like a freak verbalizing my pains and fears.  I feel weak if I am honest and admit that after eight years I am still terrified of this disease.  I feel that no one will truly understand.  Why should I not be over this?  These feelings cause guilt.  I have no reason to be sad because I survived.  I am healthy.  I have an amazing life.

I fear that I am wasting days feeling this way thinking about the beast.  I only want to look forward, but how do I only look forward?  Is it normal to think about the breast cancer and want someone else to acknowledge it once in awhile?

I feel like the breast cancer is the mole in that carnival game- memories keep popping up and I continuously have to whack them away.  I also fear that I am not doing enough to ensure my children's future.  I promised myself I would stay involved in the fight and I have not.  Lately I look at my children and want to scream. They could have the gene.  Their future could be sealed and what am I doing?  I am worrying about me.
I should be more concerned about their futures than my past.  Then I look at my boy.  We have choices for my girls if they carry the gene.  They can be proactive and fight.  For my son, I am defenseless.  It seems that new cancers are popping up every year associated with the gene.  I may have given my children cancer. That is my legacy?

I think I viewed cancer like childbirth.  It really hurts to have a child.  Sometimes the pain is immense. However, by the time your child is 2 you are ready for another and that pain disappears.  Breast cancer is definitely not the same.  I wanted the pain and the journey to disappear, but it won't.  It is a part of me.

That is what I wrote in the parking lot of Staples.  It was dark out, so I had inside lights on and I was crying the entire time.  I am certain people steered clear of my car!  This was about six weeks ago.  I still have these feelings and worries.  However, writing them down helped so much.  I am not afraid of them anymore. I cannot push aside everything that happened to me as if it never occurred.  It is a part of me!

One word

I am a little sad to see 2013 go.  I had a great year!  I graduated law school thus fulfilling a lifelong dream, and I passed the California State Bar exam.  I do not think 2014 can top that!  However, I am excited to see what the new year brings.  Wait, it already brought me the cutest baby girl ever.  My niece, Julianna Aurelia, was born January 2nd.  Isn't she the cutest?  I know she looks sad here, but I am in love with this picture!  It is impossible to look at and not say, "awwww!"     

Don't you just want to hug her?  

 

I've been reading many blogs lately, and noticed people are choosing one word for the new year.  The idea is that you choose one word to guide you throughout the year.  At first I thought this was impossible.  How can one word fit into all aspects of your life?  After much thought, I am jumping in with both feet.  I am choosing one word instead of making resolutions this year. This one word will be my guide in all areas of my life.  I expected it to be difficult to find a word that would resonate with me, but I was wrong.  I knew it right away!

Present

Present. That is my one word for the year!  No, not a Christmas present or a birthday present.  Present.  Available.  Aware.  Right now.  Not stuck behind a computer screen or a phone.  Not running to get one more load of laundry done instead of playing PIG with my son.  Not trying to check Facebook one more time instead of having a conversation with my teen daughter.  How much have I missed because of my computer screen?  How much have I missed because I needed to run one more errand, or clean one more room?  Even when I am physically present, where is my mind racing off too?  Sure I attend mass, but how often does my mind wander? What should I make for dinner?  I cannot believe she wore that to church?  I exercise, but how many times have I made a phone call during a walk?  Cut my workout in half because of the laundry piling up?  Multi-tasking is a curse!  I cannot tell you how many times my mother has said to me, "what else are you doing right now?"  

I am going to be present!  I do not want to look back and realize I missed out on something special because of an electronic device.  I don't want to look back and realize I was not really present during my life.  This is it.  We only have one shot. 

 I am going to ensure that I am present during my interactions with my friends and family.  I am going to make sure that I am present for my husband and children.  I am going to be present spiritually when I attend mass and when I pray.  I am going to be healthy and exercise presently!  (I can tweak it a bit..it is MY word)  I am not going to put off exercising or making healthy choices because of inconvenience or other excuses.  Hopefully, being present will make 2014 as great as 2013!!  Oh one more, I am going to be PRESENT in Chicago in March to meet my new niece....and I cannot wait!    

  

Life is precious

I recently began driving two adorable little girls to school because their mother can no longer drive them. Their mother has been battling breast cancer for seven years.  Because the cancer spread to her bones, she receives chemo every three weeks and is on a constant drip of morphine for the pain.  She is a daily reminder of what could be.  

During the first few weeks, I was drawn to her.  I wanted to hear her story.  I sought to compare her story to mine.  How is it that I am cancer free and she is battling for her life?  I searched for reassurance.  How is my story different?  I looked for that one fact that gave me assurance that I will stay cancer free.  It was selfish of me.  After a few weeks, my feelings changed again.  I felt that I was a constant reminder of what she was not.  I started feeling guilty that I am healthy and enjoying my life while she is fighting for hers. These thoughts consume me.     

Friday I discovered that her doctors have stopped all treatment.  Hospice is arriving on Monday.  They are telling the girls and oldest son this weekend.  I know many people who have lost their battle to cancer.  This seems different.  I am completely heart broken.  I don't understand how doctor's just quit fighting.  I cannot imagine the pain my friend is feeling.  How do you look at your children and tell them you are going to die?  How will I drive these girls to school as if it is a normal Monday morning?  I want them to stay by their mother and soak up every amount of love she has to offer.  I want them to stay by her side and hear all the words of wisdom she won't be able to give them for years to come.  

This is the reality of cancer.  One mother survives, another may not.  My life is not more valuable than hers.  I cannot compare our stories because there is no logical explanation.  Cancer sucks and it is unfair.  My thoughts are the aftermath of a cancer diagnosis.  You constantly battle the enemy, even if it is not longer present in your body.  Situations like this remind me that life is indeed precious.   

Life is so precious
And each day a gift
So enjoy every minute
As it were your last

Cherish your loved ones
Hug them tight
Share with them your heart
And your time

Nothing is forever
And life goes so fast
Each minute that passes
Is one you can’t get back

When troubles arrive
And knock you off your feet
Stand up and smile
And remember life is too sweet

Every morning when you wake,
Decide right from the start,
That “Today will be a good day”
And let it all in with an open heart

Live Sincerely every day!!!!